Christmas

Christmas is suppose to be about Christ. CHRISTmas. Seriously.

But I can't stop thinking about myself. Why is that?

As I opened my gifts this Christmas, I thought of Christ. And that's a good thing. But the bad thing is... I couldn't help but EXPECT that I'd be getting something extra special this year. And so... I am devastated. Disappointed. Sad. Depressed. Annoyed. Hurt. Lifeless.

I'm giving up.

I give up.

Even my studies suck.

Oh God... you're my only hope. you are my only refuge. you are my only escape. please be my hope. please be my refuge. please be my escape. please...

imcryingmynightaway. evenifitsuselessto. imcryingmynightaway. justsothaticanforgeteverything.

another letter to God

Dear Lord,

What can I say? I feel like the most unblessed girl in this world in this moment.

I remember those times when I used to debate over which would be better: a small number of close friends or a big number of mere acquaintances. At times, one would be better... but at other times, the other could be preferred. But I do not have any complaints as to my current state. I'm just sad - and hurt - because I seem to have neither. Not that I have no friends... but rather that I have a lot. That is, according to my point of view. However... do I really? In my eyes, I have so many friends. But do these friends see me as one? Do they think of me as their friend? Or do they see me only as one who can be used, trampled on, and thrown away?

Maybe Jesus had these questions whirling in His Head too.

I see so many people having so much fun while I'm stuck in my own world. Not because of circumstance but rather because I choose to be. Not because I want to be but because I'm afraid to be otherwise. Because. Once again. I am correct. This world has proven me right. Once again. Once again, I am hurt by a person I care for.

And that's exactly what You feel. Isn't it?

:'(

But, God, if I don't continue in the path that I am on now, I'll just end up like them. I'd end up hurting the people I love. The people I care about. Right? All this time I keep to heart that it is better to be hurt than to hurt.

Lord? Honestly, no one really knows of my hurt. No one except You. And sometimes I feel like no one cares. It seems like no one does really. Especially during times like these when no one takes the time to listen... or read. No one consoles. No one understands or even attempts to.

They just want me to give and give and give... and it is my pleasure! Oh, how it is my pleasure! But I do get tired too.

Am I not allowed to be tired, Lord? Even if I'm human?

Lord God, I thank You so much because You don't leave me alone. You never leave me alone. I thank You so much because You care. Because You are my God. Because You are my Lord. Because You want me to be like You. Selfless. Kind. Humble. Loving. Gentle. Just. Patient. Giving. Listening. Helpful. Brave. More still, because You are never too busy for me despite Your handling the WHOLE world.

Thank You for helping me choose to be hurt rather than to hurt. To love than to hate.

Thank You because You are a ready shoulder to cry on, Lord. And saying I LOVE YOU to You never gets old. It never does.

I love You, Father. :] Thank You for the opportunity to say that. :]


Love always,
Lara

wish You'd give me an A+

good evening, friends. :)

i've just received my grades from school tonight... and, honestly speaking, they're below satisfactory. but. i am thankful to my Lord and God for giving me such a grade. 1.70. He has been very faithful to me even though i easily stray from the path He has set before me. thank You thank You thank You, Lord, for granting me such a grade. i know i can do better. and so i will aim for that better. and, no, not for the satisfaction of receiving a high grade. rather, i'd like to do better so that i can have the satisfaction that i was able to give God the best that i could give. :) and so, once again, i humbly ask for Your guidance and blessings, Lord. once again. i go to You. please guide me again this second semester. :)

i did get an F though. a big bad F. not from my friends or my teachers. but rather from my parents.
i don't know if it was because of the way i told them about my grade or if what they're saying really is just the way they'd say it no matter the circumstance... but they gave me an F for my performance. it wasn't good enough.
no matter how hard i try right now, i don't see the light of day. i only see how i really could have done better. i only see how i failed. how i slacked.

and yes. i could have done better. i did fail. i did slack.

but i thank God because His Hand has been there for me to guide me and to lift me from the abyss of my life.

nonetheless, i retain the longing for my parents to one day acknowledge me... that i've got something to be proud of... anything. even if its just diligence... or patience... anything at all...
somehow, right now, i don't feel like the best thing on earth... although not necessarily the dust on the ground. :D

but i'll be better :D

Thanks again, Lord. :) Love You.
Lara

bold and Confident

something about plain, bold-colored clothes has been revealed to me today. as i saw a lady wearing a freely flowing lime green silk gown taking the escalator to a higher floor, i saw how all her body's curves and assets were so easily seen - so easily flaunted. then it hit me: no wonder i don't prefer single toned shirts or dresses; they show every corner of one's body. whew. something i would never want to flaunt ( because one, i don't have anything to flaunt; and two, even if i did, it's not something to flaunt [in my opinion, of course]).

besides, boldly colored clothes only say one thing: look at me, i'm confident of myself and my body! woo~! haha! and yeah, you guessed it, i'm not.

bah, other matters are at hand. :D

so anyway:

i've still got that inferiority complex hanging around me. :O surprising? not. haha!

despite the fact that i fancy myself looking to God for acceptance and second-the-motions, i find myself looking for the okay signs of friends and acquaintances as well. though i do have opinions and ideas of my own, i still look for and consider other's inputs more than my own. while sometimes i think that its just normal (and, in fact, good) that i esteem the ideas of others better than mine, sometimes i feel i go overboard and esteem others (their being) OVERLY BETTER than me. 10000x better.

yeah, that, basically, is who i am.

but my mother says i'm a proud person. and i agree. so i wonder when the above stated circumstances occur when i am, in fact, a proud person.

woo~!

so that's Why

so that's why... so that's why you're not assertive.
because you learn to stop yourself whenever your 101% sure that you ARE right. because whenever you're 101% sure that you are right you are 101% wrong. THAT's what life has taught you. No. That's what GOD has taught you. You are never right. because You are a sorry entity. mortal. sinful. proud. blinded by pride.
that is the truth my friend. that is the truth.

so NEVER think yourself right ESPECIALLY when you THINK you ARE RIGHT. because, let me tell you, my friend, you are wrong. you always will be.

sleep Deprivation

i don't get it... i'm sleepy almost always. :O

i need to make a descent nursing history tomorrow or i will kill myself. O.O not literally though.

i've got a feeling that something is going to go wrong soon. i've got a very strong feeling. maybe the feeling is emanating from friday's event... ah, but still... i do hope i'm wrong... :O

Submission

"Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake" (1 Pet. 2:13).

the three Words that make up "I Love You"

stop talking to me - every word you say
seems to turn into the 3 words
i will never hear you say

sad, pathetic, and Worthless

i'm a sad, pathetic, worthless liar... and i think i need help :O

i elude myself. and, in so doing, i elude others. but most of the time, i aim to elude only myself. it's purpose is simple too. so that i can escape the problems that i have. so that i can escape the realities even for a moment.

but the sad thing is... my problems run after me. reality is always a nuisance...

and i cry away every time they catch me wishing my tears would wash everything away...

and then i see myself standing at a crossroad not knowing which road to take, not knowing where each road could take me...

I Can Only Imagine lyrics

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine

Lord... You know what? I don't know what to pray for anymore... I'm sorry for being evil... I beg of You... Though I know You would... Please still love me.

Love,
A sad, pathetic, and worthless me.

i am like a Sandcastle

i'm a normal person. i have a lot of aspirations - millions. but i'm so much like a sandcastle too. i'm easily broken to millions.

TV shows are so misleading. they always show the happy side of things. ALWAYS. and even if they do show a tragic story, there's always that comforting fact/thought/person who helps the leading character out of misery.

no wonder TV shows are just TV shows.

one very exploited TV show topic for example is how parents should support their children especially during explorations of their children's capabilities. and they should. really. for one, because no one ever knows his greatness in a blink of an eye. and if children are left to discover the world by themselves, either they stumble upon their graves early or find their pot gold almost always too late to be as much advantageous as it could have been.

and it's sad really. especially here in the Philippines. Filipinos have a lot of skills. the only thing hindering them from soaring the skies is their social status. MONEY. checking priorities, how could any parent choose music class over FOOD?

i'm just very hurt. that's all. i don't know if my parents understand the meaning of the sentence, "not supporting is not discouraging per se, but it is most definitely not the same as supporting."

i love doing many things. everything. i love buying books and reading them. i love writing and drawing. i love making stories of fantasy and romance. i love singing and dancing. i love solving puzzles. i love learning languages. i love observing people. i love designing houses. i love taking care of people. i love doing errands. i love listening. i love speaking. i love thinking. i love praying. i love walking and running. i love making music. i love seeing beauty.

but i just don't know if i'm allowed to. if i should. or if it's just a waste of time. money. effort.

is it?

everytime you send me down,
you send me down
crashing.
and i die.

alone is synonymous to Normal

Orson Welles said

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.

i say true as true can be... so don't fight it anymore... you'll only lose in vain.

John Webster said

Eagles commonly fly alone. They are crows, daws, and starlings that flock together.

be eagles, friends. be eagles.



but then... i thought we enter this world with our mothers.
why then do i feel so alone. so much so as though i had no mother?

is it my Choice?

today is the last day of preliminary exams. whew. it was and forever will be tough. Praise God who has been my Helper and my Teacher all this time. xD thank You, Lord!

but i'm not going to be talking about exam week. that's a bore.

i spent some time with a few schoolmates today - right after exams that is. and i'm really thankful for the three angels who let me join their happy triangle. kudos also to Grace who is an ever reliable support (she has assured me for such a long time now of welcome arms when i do not have anyone to spent time with). but unfortunately, i still do have my mind that is quirked up by any kind of aberrant figures in my life. and so there was. you see, i had a great time earlier. i didn't feel left out ( as i should considering that those girls have already bonded for quite some time now) at all. but then, as i left their company, i couldn't help but feel relief emanating from their auras. that atmosphere then got me thinking...

"was i intruding their time together? maybe i should have noticed it earlier...?"

when i'm away from home, i dislike doing nothing. i always have to be on the go. what i'm doing doesn't really matter, i just HAVE to do something - think, walk, do errands, and whatnot. i'd die if i would be idle for even a second. (at home is a totally different setting. i can bum around all i want and still have a reason to live.) and i have just so recently understood myself. i have to keep myself from thinking of my pathetic social life. whenever i get to think about it, i realize how oblivious i am to the world (although oblivion is not necessarily bad or good). i realize how i am isolated from the world because of who i am. (honestly though, from my point of view this is a good thing. isolation from the world keeps me from being attached to it and subsequently from being apart from God.) and i get depressed thinking that a normal girl is suppose to have a lot of friends... am i not normal?

but what keeps me from living a life without fear? a life without want?

i don't want to know love. (not yet at least.) i don't want to have a boyfriend. i don't want to even THINK of boys. because i want to keep myself pure.. xD that's what i tell myself; that's what my mind tells me. but sometimes, someone from somewhere makes me want to see he whom God has destined for me. i want to know that there indeed IS someone out there especially for me. a little encouragement to continue my endeavor (in a way).

all i want to say is:
i'm complicated. i don't want to be alone. i love being alone. i love suffering. i love waiting. i love God. but is there someone out there who loves the same things i love? is there someone out there - friend or partner - who can appreciate me? is there someone out there who i can share life and her stories with?

oh God... i hope and pray, Lord, that You clear my mind, heart, and soul. help me accept these things that i obviously cannot change. thank You, Lord. =)

if i were to be held by a man, he would be the man sent by God and God alone

realizations under the August sun

i had a lot of time to think yesterday and what a first in a very long time. and thankfully, i was able to resolve a troubling question that has been with me for a while now. actually, it isn't very new to me. i just thought of lowering it a little - my guard. and it is a good thing i didn't. i guess my state of being always in red alert mode is good for me. well, not always, just when meeting new people. and, as i realized it now, when staying with old acquaintances with whom i have previously had unfinished business.

thing is, i was wrong to think that i could stay and be friends with someone - with people - who are complete opposites of me. yes, they share some of my ideas, but those are not enough to connect the real me to them. i was wrong to think that i could and should fashion myself to their standards. ah, i was so wrong. i am who i am as i asked God to mold me. i should never ever look to others for appreciation. i should never ever tolerate people who appall me. never. i should never run after friends and much less relationships. i shouldn't even fancy them. i shouldn't be afraid of being alone during my last days. God is always with me and i should never fear.

another realization i had yesterday is that i am extremely good at keeping two faces - two personalities - secrets, and whatnot. it's easy for me. hah, and i think now that it is because i can share whatever i want with God who hears me and keeps my secrets well. i need not any mortal being who has to bend to society's rules and weaknesses.

and so i have a resolve that i pray God help me keep. may i never put down my guard against the mortals who have so easily attached themselves to this world. may i never ever look to this world for acceptance. may i never be made happy simply because of vanities brought about by boys, men, clothes, grades, and social status. may i always be happy and content with the things i have. may i never seek more or less than what i can do for both God and man. may i serve others always before myself and in a better manner. and with God's help, may i show to the world Jesus, as He would have been in our day today.

i don't have to share anything with the people who are of this world - words, actions, likes, dislikes.

累

我已經太累了

i just Want to be left alone

Can't you just leave me alone?

Love

do i have a Choice?

honestly... do i even have a choice? do i have a choice whether to say i'm okay or i'm not okay?


even if i were 10000000% not okay, i still have to BE okay. i can't put my guard down for a minute. i can't whine like a baby. i can't put my responsibilities on the shoulders of others...

and it's sad really. i like having tens and thousands of responsibilities. it is a very humbling and, at the same time, confidence-raising situation. but whenever i remember or think of the moments when i feel as if i had no support of any kind whatsoever, i die. and while i know that God is my omnipresent support in all troubles and whatnot, i still feel tired... physically. i am just human after all.

the bottom line is, i still don't know how to trust. why? it takes trust for one to rely on other people. i realized this much today. and it's sad because i'm killing myself by being afraid to trust others.

May God bless us all...



help me and keep me, O Lord. You are my only hope. You are my only refuge.
Grant me the strength to deliver and the resilience to change.
But most of all, my Lord, grant me the wisdom to know what i can do and what i cannot do.
Grant me the wisdom, O Lord, to know my limits.
thank You, blessed God and everlasting Lord, my Father...

Amen

five kinds of People

i just realize how i too can be discriminating... i was actually just thinking of a topic for today's post and suddenly i thought of this: five kinds of people.

i basically group acquaintances into 3 categories: the positive, the neutral, and the negative. the latter two are self-explanatory. the neutral, obviously, don't have a positive or negative impact on me. and the negative have... a negative impact. (duh?)

the positive category is, however, more detailed than that. that is, there are people who:
i like talking to,
i like seeing function, and
i like being with.

among the people who fit in the positive category, the people i like talking to are most common. the people i like seeing function come second. these people are not very good to talk to, neither very nice to be with, but, looking from a far, astound me. it's like they are beautiful sculptures from a far, but, upon seeing their most detailed features, crevices, and whatnot, appall me. and, lastly and most amusing is, so far in my life, i've only had ONE person xx xxx xxxxxxxx xxx i like being with...

hah! talk about choosy.

Sick

i am

gonna

die

early.

Smiles

i miss the simple life...

you Light up my heartlight

i'm not sure if the story i'm about to tell you has been published.
but either way, i'm not claiming it's my story.
achi crystal koo told us this story one day in high school.
it was a story made by her friend.
and today, i found myself reminiscing and so i shalt share this beautiful story.
=)
the story goes something like this:

The Heartlight
the heartlight people are not your ordinary humans...
they have heart lights.
they are like little bulbs on their chests... right where the heart is.
these heart lights are very expressive of the human's feelings.
when one human sees someone he/she likes, his/her heartlight lights up.
a very bright light means a very big love.
a small dim light means a slight love.
the heartlight people don't have problems expressing their feelings.
that's because their heartlight expresses everything for them.

if i had a heartlight...
it would be glowing right now.
although not quite so bright.
that's because i'm remembering Someone
Who makes me feel loved
right now.
(well, He always makes me feel loved =) )

and so here i am again.
praising God and loving Him.
because He gave me another chance to feel this way.
being love, or feeling that you are being loved is always very heart warming.
thank You so much, Lord, because You love me.
and! and! may graces and blessings shower upon the one You have destined to be there for me forever...
and may all those who love me be showered with love as well!

ho~!

Love... is a question mark

How can you say you love someone?
Honestly?

So anyway, I live my life.

I feel so tired. Unexplainable. I just want to drop dead right now. It's not a first so I think I'll manage. :P
School's been making me run around like crazy. Epistaxis. Yup, that's what I get from all the school work and information overload. Hah! Hope YOU get epistaxis too, after reading the word!

Nah, just kidding.


When I was walking home earlier today, I realized that I was happy because of the fact that I am single (and available?! Hah! We'll see. :P). It never occurred to me to FIND a boyfriend whatchamacallit. I feel so content and whatnot. And yes, I believe that it's because I've reassured myself that I rest in my God and that I am COMPLETE in Him. Besides, I've always prayed for my God-given soulmate. Let he be blessed and protected by God from now till the time we meet till the time we love till the time we die! Hah!

That's my life.

Friends, please pray for my health. I feel like my mortal body is giving in to its mortality.
Lord, please save me from my sin. Help me be pure in mind, body, and soul. Thank you for making me content in You. *big smile!*

suicide and an overloaded Me

“I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws.”- Psalm 119:7

Today is the last day of examinations. Today also is the last day of my life. Good-bye, world. *Takes a knife and cuts radial artery.* *Oh, wait. That's wasn't enough.* *Takes same knife and cuts carotid artery.* *That did the trick.*

:((

:'(

X.X

I just really want to die. Let everything end! Please! I can't take it anymore!

Ok, fine. Things are not all that bad. I still have blessings to thank You for. Just failing myself. The test. Blah. They're not enough to cry for. To die for. I know. I KNOW. But why...

I don't understand why this is happening. I mean, I've dedicated so much time to studying. I don't go out. I isolate myself. I study. BLOODY HELL. I hate all of this. I hate it.

I guess I'm not that gifted, huh?

Look here, Lara. The world's not all about getting good grades. Life isn't that shallow. God wants you to LIVE it, not just live through it. What you're going through right now... it's something you've brought yourself to. Life isn't not fair. You are just taking it the opposite way. I'm not telling you to take it easy. Heck, shower yourself with pressure. But you HAVE to remember and put to heart that God isn't praised by grades alone. Neither is He praised by how you get the grades. Neither is He praise when you fail. He is praised when you fall - when you fall and rise up using only His help.

*Lord, I know in this world, being 100% nice puts one in a very exploited state. and for some, being 100% nice is hard. But actually, for me, I love it. I love the feeling when I get to help people. Even if I do only trivial things for them. Even if they're forgotten the next second. And, God, I know how being lowly and loving is important to You. Holiness. Purity. And, God, I ask forgiveness of You. Because I know that I've disappointed You. In more ways than I can notice/remember/accept...*

God... please grant me peace today for I know that I am a sinner who cannot live without Your mercy. Your grace.

My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:

For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee.

Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase: So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine.

My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her. Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her. The LORD by wisdom hath founded the earth; by understanding hath he established the heavens. By his knowledge the depths are broken up, and the clouds drop down the dew. My son, let not them depart from thine eyes: keep sound wisdom and discretion: So shall they be life unto thy soul, and grace to thy neck. Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble. When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.

Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken. Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it. Say not unto thy neighbour, Go, and come again, and to morrow I will give; when thou hast it by thee. Devise not evil against thy neighbour, seeing he dwelleth securely by thee. Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm. Envy thou not the oppressor, and choose none of his ways. For the froward is abomination to the LORD: but his secret is with the righteous. The curse of the LORD is in the house of the wicked: but he blesseth the habitation of the just. Surely he scorneth the scorners: but he giveth grace unto the lowly. The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.

Proverbs 3

Death

I feel dead.

If God raised Jesus from the dead... do you think He'll raise me up too?

I feel like I'm walking an endless road. It's tiring. I hope it ends soon.

I feel like I'm living alone. Isolated from other people. But then, I also feel mocked and abused by all those other people that isolated themselves from me. Or that I isolated myself from.

I wonder what my God is telling me. I think I'm becoming deaf.

Dear world, please stop whatever it is your doing and start making sense.

July

Examination week is this week.
Welcome to the month of July.

Heads up, people.
I last left off when it was the day before enrollment. I come back now, when it's 3 days before our first major examination.
A lot of things have happened. And I mean A LOT.

I became president of the class. WOW! And I really do not know why. It's annoying but at the same time elating. I feel blessed and at the same time pressured. Why would God give me a responsibility like this? Does it mean that He knows I can do this? Or is He just testing me? To see if I can hang on to Him when the world is saying "you can do this on your own"? But everything aside, it is really humbling. A great deal. I can't do everything. That's what's humbling. I learn to delegate. Because I'd be dead by now if I didn't know how. ;) I learn to be patient. Because I'd have given up by now if I didn't know how. I learn to be selfless. Because I'd be ousted by now if I didn't know how. I learn to serve. Because I long had killed myself if I didn't know how.

But, then, my status upgrade isn't that elating as I thought it could be.

I broke down yesterday. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to feel. Maybe all the pressure got to me. Pressure from the class. Pressure from the title. Pressure from the responsibility. But most of all, pressure from me.
I couldn't do anything. Pathetic, I know. But all I could do was cry. And so I did. The tears just kept flowing down my cheeks. And God, how I prayed to You to tell me what was wrong. I was clueless. Desperate. Dying.

But I think I'm okay now. Could be better. But, hey, I'm not the president of a country. (Thank you, Lord!)

Take care, people. Don't follow my steps yet. I'm still stumbling. Please pray for me. I need to know how to watch my step. God, please bless me. :)

life through Death

tomorrow is enrollment day. that basically means that school is just around the corner; and that i'm way off track.

i'm still not right with God. it's not His fault obviously. it's mine. i'm slacking. i'm slacking so much! and, honestly, taking it slow is not helping. i should really take a big LEAP. an enormous LEAP. even my dubbed "spiritual retreat" in beautiful Baguio City did not help.

i'm a failure.

argh.

dear friends,
please pray for me.

dear Lord,
please stay with me.

dear me,
please become less material and more... a WHOLE LOT more spiritual.

sigh.

bless me, God, for i have sinned

google "bless me, God, for i have sinned" including the quotation marks and you get three entries. one of them is this gorgeous piece of work by REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE who has his/her blog here.
it's a great essay. moving although, putting my ego aside, i had to read it twice to get it processed by my puny mind.

kudos to the author! :)

Confession

“There is a luxury in self reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel that no one else has the right to blame us. It is the confession not the priest that gives us absolution.”

--Oscar Wilde, the Picture of Dorian Grey—


I often wonder whether man created God to help him cope with his own mortality, or whether God created man to lessen the boredom and loneliness of eternity.

In either case, both were disappointed.


Bless me God for I have sinned. My thoughts have strayed far beyond redemption, into a land free of the sickness of deities and the silly misconceptions of men.

Bless me for getting drunk on life’s absurdity, and trying to escape its boundaries before you struck me sober with the bitterness of reality. I have followed my faith across the borders of religion, and waded through seas of the faithless in order to find you, but you stayed out of my reach while keeping me within your tight grasp.

Bless me for using the useless little brain you have given me, and asking too many meaningless questions. I only wished to understand this world a bit better, to perceive it through the eyes of a creator, with the timeless gaze of a god, and a vision unblurred by the failures of the past or the mediocrity of the future.

Bless me God for coveting thy property. I sought Immortality, believing that the luxury of infinite time would give my mind what it takes to encapsulate such a horridly colossal concept as that of your omnipotent existence, but that was far too complex for my humble being to handle.

Forgive all of this, dear God, and let’s call this game even and end it without any further delays. After all, you’ve created me with all my imperfections, and you cannot deny me the simple pleasures of sin. Or maybe I was the one to have created you, with all your power and ruthless divinity, and thus I cannot blame you for the burdens of my random, selfish existence.

In either case, all that I've done is totally irrelevant.

Grogeous DSLR!

Sony DSLR A350

Quick AF Live View plus tilting screen for responsive, flexible shooting. Together with the 14.2-megapixel CCD let you enjoy best-of-class SLR imaging with conversational ease.

• Quick AF Live View lets you use the LCD monitor as a viewfinder, so you can frame your subjects with greater ease.
• 14.2 megapixel CCD image sensor
• Optimized BIONZ image processor
• 2.7" variable-angle, Clear Photo LCD monitor
• 9-Point Center Cross AF Sensor with Eye-Start® activation
• High sensitivity ISO 3200 setting for low-light shooting
• Super SteadyShot® Image Stabilization
• Evolved new D-Range Optimizer
• Smart Teleconverter function for 1.4x and 2x magnification with no reduction in image quality
• 1200-zone evaluative metering assures optimum exposure balance during live view shooting
• Anti-Dust Protection

HAH! New wishlist! LoL.

She's such a gorgeous SLR. I can't believe something like her exists!! XD
I especially love the pentamirror tilt system, anti-dust protections, AND the fine continuous shooting capacity. HAR.

But then she costs millions... well, not really millions. Just in my point of view. Sony retails it at P49,999 including VAT. But, last I checked, she costs ~P31,000 in the States.

And THAT's why she's on my wishlist! Cause she'll only be a dream... FOR NOW! RawR! ;)

Strength to do disinterested actions

it's been a while but i finally took the time to read my subscriptions of online devotionals c/o biblegateway.com i read two. the first's message basically is to do disinterested actions. doing good because we should. at the end of the devotional it said something like think of someone who can use your help and help that person whether or not he can pay you back. (then i thought of our helper. she really needs some help with her logic and english comprehension. but then i went, "Lord? Do I really have to? That's going to take such a long time. It's annoying. i doubt if she'll even get the things I'm going to say to her." then i continued reading my second devotional. it talked about looking to God for strength to achieve the things we normally can't. to look to friends for encouragement from God. then it hit me. i'm so stupid. who the heck am i to think that i can be, even the very least, like Jesus when i'm so selfish? when i'm so foolish? when i'm so naive? when i'm so me? it's going to degrade the words "to be like Jesus" into plain garbage. who the heck am i?

just today i acted like a complete non-Christian. how then can i tell others about Christ? i'm a complete humiliation. i know. why in the world can't i change??

Lord, please help me. I know I've been asking the same thing from You for such a long time now. And I also know that You've done Your part. Now, it's my turn. But what's so wrong with me that I'm not improving? It almost looks like I'm retrogressing! Oh, God! Please help me, Lord. Guide me, God. You're my Only Hope. You are my ONLY HOPE.

Bless me, God, for I have sinned.

Kids

I guess, I really am a kid - still. Still a kid.
A stupid, naive kid.

I have to grow up.

Fast.

I wonder what the record time for growing up is. Maybe I can run for the Guinness.

Har.

Sing for me.

take Imagination

none of these pictures are mine. :)

best of Friends

something got me thinking. what are best friends? is there a line differentiating best friends and family? who draws the line? when do you have the right to call someone your best friend? does the time come when you stop calling your best friend "best friend"? if your best friend is of the opposite sex, can he/she become your spouse as easily as if he/she were not your best friend? do matters become more complicated between best friends? how do you find one?

rice Balls!

lucckky!

i made my first rice balls today! haha. and it was so fun mind you! making them felt like playing with rice which is a very bad thing to do. BUT making rice balls is a good and FUN thing to do. :P i remember eating my first one in japan. it was scrumptious! it had some sort of filling inside. it tasted like seafood. haha. my next creation? seafood filled rice balls!

alright.

i've just finished watching the series Proposal Daisakusen or Love Operation. and, mind you, it was very touching. i've even contemplated showing it to the person in my last entry. but i'm not that evil. ;) the series is mainly about two childhood friends who, because of being close, had a hard time being honest with each other and with themselves. and yes, it is sort of a cliche-filled show. marriage. hope. change. timeslips. but its closeness to reality made it seem fun to watch. the clumsiness of men like Ken (Yamashita Tomohisa) and the admirable (for me) secretive and responsible nature of Rei (Nagasawa Masami) were outstandingly portrayed. :)

that wraps up my today's share of exhilaration. :)

good evening, friends.