realizations under the August sun

i had a lot of time to think yesterday and what a first in a very long time. and thankfully, i was able to resolve a troubling question that has been with me for a while now. actually, it isn't very new to me. i just thought of lowering it a little - my guard. and it is a good thing i didn't. i guess my state of being always in red alert mode is good for me. well, not always, just when meeting new people. and, as i realized it now, when staying with old acquaintances with whom i have previously had unfinished business.

thing is, i was wrong to think that i could stay and be friends with someone - with people - who are complete opposites of me. yes, they share some of my ideas, but those are not enough to connect the real me to them. i was wrong to think that i could and should fashion myself to their standards. ah, i was so wrong. i am who i am as i asked God to mold me. i should never ever look to others for appreciation. i should never ever tolerate people who appall me. never. i should never run after friends and much less relationships. i shouldn't even fancy them. i shouldn't be afraid of being alone during my last days. God is always with me and i should never fear.

another realization i had yesterday is that i am extremely good at keeping two faces - two personalities - secrets, and whatnot. it's easy for me. hah, and i think now that it is because i can share whatever i want with God who hears me and keeps my secrets well. i need not any mortal being who has to bend to society's rules and weaknesses.

and so i have a resolve that i pray God help me keep. may i never put down my guard against the mortals who have so easily attached themselves to this world. may i never ever look to this world for acceptance. may i never be made happy simply because of vanities brought about by boys, men, clothes, grades, and social status. may i always be happy and content with the things i have. may i never seek more or less than what i can do for both God and man. may i serve others always before myself and in a better manner. and with God's help, may i show to the world Jesus, as He would have been in our day today.

i don't have to share anything with the people who are of this world - words, actions, likes, dislikes.