is it my Choice?

today is the last day of preliminary exams. whew. it was and forever will be tough. Praise God who has been my Helper and my Teacher all this time. xD thank You, Lord!

but i'm not going to be talking about exam week. that's a bore.

i spent some time with a few schoolmates today - right after exams that is. and i'm really thankful for the three angels who let me join their happy triangle. kudos also to Grace who is an ever reliable support (she has assured me for such a long time now of welcome arms when i do not have anyone to spent time with). but unfortunately, i still do have my mind that is quirked up by any kind of aberrant figures in my life. and so there was. you see, i had a great time earlier. i didn't feel left out ( as i should considering that those girls have already bonded for quite some time now) at all. but then, as i left their company, i couldn't help but feel relief emanating from their auras. that atmosphere then got me thinking...

"was i intruding their time together? maybe i should have noticed it earlier...?"

when i'm away from home, i dislike doing nothing. i always have to be on the go. what i'm doing doesn't really matter, i just HAVE to do something - think, walk, do errands, and whatnot. i'd die if i would be idle for even a second. (at home is a totally different setting. i can bum around all i want and still have a reason to live.) and i have just so recently understood myself. i have to keep myself from thinking of my pathetic social life. whenever i get to think about it, i realize how oblivious i am to the world (although oblivion is not necessarily bad or good). i realize how i am isolated from the world because of who i am. (honestly though, from my point of view this is a good thing. isolation from the world keeps me from being attached to it and subsequently from being apart from God.) and i get depressed thinking that a normal girl is suppose to have a lot of friends... am i not normal?

but what keeps me from living a life without fear? a life without want?

i don't want to know love. (not yet at least.) i don't want to have a boyfriend. i don't want to even THINK of boys. because i want to keep myself pure.. xD that's what i tell myself; that's what my mind tells me. but sometimes, someone from somewhere makes me want to see he whom God has destined for me. i want to know that there indeed IS someone out there especially for me. a little encouragement to continue my endeavor (in a way).

all i want to say is:
i'm complicated. i don't want to be alone. i love being alone. i love suffering. i love waiting. i love God. but is there someone out there who loves the same things i love? is there someone out there - friend or partner - who can appreciate me? is there someone out there who i can share life and her stories with?

oh God... i hope and pray, Lord, that You clear my mind, heart, and soul. help me accept these things that i obviously cannot change. thank You, Lord. =)