Black Hole

Behind the facade of smiles and good cheer, there is a hole.

I don't understand. Why do I long for another person to make me feel whole? Why do I not feel "whole" as I did before? I feel guilty that God's presence does not make me feel whole. But why? Is there something blocking my union with God? This is so annoying.

What's happening to me? :|

"I'm 19/F. Single. And not looking. Just waiting."

That's what I tell myself anyway. But lately, just the least of things makes me long for someone to share life with. For one, seeing my 2 best college buds together makes me feel happy. All my thoughts circle around one simple line: "It's good they've got each other. I pray theirs lasts forever." And then there are those times when people tease me. And like the good little daddy's girl I resign myself to be, I shy myself from the possibilities. "Women have the luxury of saying no." said one of my nurse mentors (Sir E. Juco). But I don't. No one's going to here a good hard NO from me anytime soon. I don't want to close any doors. They're all open. And I don't want to say yes either. It's not like I'm desperate for just anybody.

It's times like these when I've got a lot of time to myself that I feel lonely. Dear God, help me. :| Whenever I have time to think, I feel it. Oh, that hideous hideous emotion. Free time to me is a pain! Free time gives me time to think about things that I can't change. To think about things that don't matter. To think about things that annoy me to death! No wonder I drown myself in school work and activities. They're so much more simpler. I mean, what's research compared to introspection? Research has an end! There is an answer! Introspection?! Pfft! Answers are subjective.

This feeling... is killing me.

A Mom & Me Conversation
"Si Ken pala 21 lang eh."
"Huh? What's that? Who's Ken?"
"21 palang siya. Yung may-ari ng ********"
"Huh? And?"
"Bata palang."
"So?"
"Edi kayo nalang."
"Gah."

God, forgive me and my ugly ugly thoughts.. :| Sigh...

someone broke my friendship Bracelet

last day of school.
sadly, it had to be a bad day too.

sayang, sayang talaga.

THE DEED IS DONE.

Finally, second year life is over. Whew. One year of being a sophomore student has really beaten me up! One year of being a class president has really tired me out... Thank You for destining an end to it all, Lord. =)

At first I thought that once today ends, I'd be the happiest person alive. But I guess I thought wrong. It's my fault of course. I let other people affect what I feel. What I think. I let other people affect me. My brother says I'm immature. But I guess that's part of growing up.

Someone broke my friendship bracelet by the way. Someone. It was not one person. They were a lot. I'm not sure if I'll be able to fix up my friendship bracelet. But I hope I was able to collect all the broken parts. It would be a waste if I will not be able to fix my bracelet.

I wonder why they broke my bracelet. I didn't do anything to hurt them anyway.

What a sad day in school.

ThankYou,Jesus,ForHelpingMeInMyExams!

the battle of the Century

the battle draws near. who dares carry the polished swords?


rivers of glory - shine forth and call the golden army.

yes Jesus

Dear Jesus,

Hi! It's me again. Uhm. Lord? Please hear me out here. I'm really going "under."

Dear Lord, I have so many plans for my life - ah, forgive my ambitiousness. I don't know if all of them are in accordance with Your will. But I'm trying. And I say yes to You alone, Lord. Should You say no to any one of my plans, I shall follow. Above all, Lord, I know that in every situation I will encounter as I journey through life, I must consider and protect my family's opinions. I must respect them above all (except You of course :) )

Every day, Lord, You give me an opportunity to shine and be better and show the world that I am Your daughter. And every day, Lord, as it seems, I run to You in prayer - asking for guidance and grace that I so desperately need. Sometimes, I see Your response clearly. Sometimes, vaguely. Sometimes, none at all. But, Lord, I am not dismayed. I believe that that's Your way of showing me that I must face everything not behind You but rather WITH you.

And so, Jesus, I greatly thank You for all You've done and for all You are doing and for all that You will do. Lord, I do not know nor can I imagine my life should You not have been Who You are. Should You not have done what You do. Thank You, Jesus.

Great Almighty Father, I come to You in humble resignation.

Dear Jesus, I tried my best to help out my two friends. But that is all I can do for them. It's their turn to move. Dear God, please bless them in their choices. Please be with them, Lord Jesus. (PS Lord, I thank You for giving me the time, the place, and the words during our conversations. I know You did that for us. Thank You. Thank You for letting me talk to them. Thank You, Lord.)

But now, Lord, it's my turn. I need to help myself. This time, I'm the one going "under."

I have to admit, Lord, I don't know what You want to happen in my life. Who does? All I know is that what I have ahead of me is very vague - but also focused. It's ironic. I know. But, that's how it looks like to me... That's how it seems to me.

God, You give. Then You take. Then You give something better. Then You give again. Oh, Jesus, I thank You for giving me all these things despite my worthlessness. But, God... may I ask? What am I to do with all these things? What should my response be? I am sorely confused.

Dear God, I have only one prayer for tonight. Please show me what to do. Please show me what to say. Please show me what to believe.

Dear Jesus, I thank You for continually being my God. Thank You. Thank You for your graciousness and kindness. Merciful Jesus. Thank You for saving me.

Thank You, God.

Amen :)

choices and Right choices

Dear God,

I miss You! I feel like it's been so long since I last had a very long conversation with You... and I'm very sorry. I'm sorry because I didn't give You any time, because I haven't placed You as my top Priority. And I'm terribly sorry... because I come to You now with a problem that I have been struggling with for a long time now. I'm sorry that I'm coming to You only after that long time... I should have run to You in the first place. I should have ran and stayed in You Arms for as long as I needed. I kept ignoring my problem thinking that You would take care of it for me. I overlooked the fact that I HAVE to do MY part as well. I'm sorry, Father. And I thank You... because now that I'm ready... You're here to listen. :)

Dear Lord, I talked to my class adviser today. I told her all about my problems... with my grades, priorities, and extra-curriculars. And she helped me a lot. And I thank You for her. :) She told me that I needn't pressure myself this hard. And that the pressure will make me look old. It will make me become "baliw" too, she says. But the only solution tom y problem she says... will be found only by me. I must reflect on the matter... and I must choose.

And that I will.

Father, I am faced with 2 options: to stay as a class president or to resign and become a normal college student. But those two options are great ones. If only I could switch from one mode to the other at my discretion... but life is not that forgiving. Lord, I thank You for finally making me realize that I really do need to choose one and only one. I cannot have the best of both worlds. I thank You for my mother and adviser who have so lovingly guided me thus far. I thank You, Lord, for making all these things possible. But, dear God, I do not know what to choose. I surrender to that fact, Lord. I do not know what to choose.

I love being class president. It gives me fulfillment and satisfaction knowing that I can be a leader to my friends. That I can serve even if I'm only a mere student. But, my grades are suffering, Lord. Oh, but I do not know if my grades are low because of my presidency or plainly because I really do deserve low grades. But, Lord, it saddens me to think that maybe, just maybe, I could have raised my grades one or two points higher if I studied a little longer or a little better.

And so, my petition, Lord God. I beg of You. Please help me find the answer to my query. Lord, please... I resign to You, God. For, now I realize that there is no end to this problem besides the end found in You. Lord, I realize that I cannot run. I cannot hide. I cannot ignore the fact that I am indeed struggling.

The past opportunity You gave me to run in the student council elections was amazing, Lord. But it was also an eye-opener. Lord, just a while ago, I realized that the way You made all the alumni drop me from the slate was a blessing. 101% a blessing, God. That experience made me realize that I am not ready for all this. That I am taking this too far. That I am sacrificing everything for something small. That I am destroying my life... my life with You. And, again, that I have to choose.

Lord, thank You. Because I can rest in You. Thank You because I don't have to run very far to find You. Thank You.

I'm giving it a few days. Until the end of the week probably. Please help me decide, Lord. Whether I will accept another Class Presidency. Or better yet, the position of Level Rep next year.

Thank You, Lord. I love You so much!

Praises and glory to You, Lord... :3
Lara:)

i am like a Sandcastle

i'm a normal person. i have a lot of aspirations - millions. but i'm so much like a sandcastle too. i'm easily broken to millions.

TV shows are so misleading. they always show the happy side of things. ALWAYS. and even if they do show a tragic story, there's always that comforting fact/thought/person who helps the leading character out of misery.

no wonder TV shows are just TV shows.

one very exploited TV show topic for example is how parents should support their children especially during explorations of their children's capabilities. and they should. really. for one, because no one ever knows his greatness in a blink of an eye. and if children are left to discover the world by themselves, either they stumble upon their graves early or find their pot gold almost always too late to be as much advantageous as it could have been.

and it's sad really. especially here in the Philippines. Filipinos have a lot of skills. the only thing hindering them from soaring the skies is their social status. MONEY. checking priorities, how could any parent choose music class over FOOD?

i'm just very hurt. that's all. i don't know if my parents understand the meaning of the sentence, "not supporting is not discouraging per se, but it is most definitely not the same as supporting."

i love doing many things. everything. i love buying books and reading them. i love writing and drawing. i love making stories of fantasy and romance. i love singing and dancing. i love solving puzzles. i love learning languages. i love observing people. i love designing houses. i love taking care of people. i love doing errands. i love listening. i love speaking. i love thinking. i love praying. i love walking and running. i love making music. i love seeing beauty.

but i just don't know if i'm allowed to. if i should. or if it's just a waste of time. money. effort.

is it?

everytime you send me down,
you send me down
crashing.
and i die.

alone is synonymous to Normal

Orson Welles said

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.

i say true as true can be... so don't fight it anymore... you'll only lose in vain.

John Webster said

Eagles commonly fly alone. They are crows, daws, and starlings that flock together.

be eagles, friends. be eagles.



but then... i thought we enter this world with our mothers.
why then do i feel so alone. so much so as though i had no mother?

is it my Choice?

today is the last day of preliminary exams. whew. it was and forever will be tough. Praise God who has been my Helper and my Teacher all this time. xD thank You, Lord!

but i'm not going to be talking about exam week. that's a bore.

i spent some time with a few schoolmates today - right after exams that is. and i'm really thankful for the three angels who let me join their happy triangle. kudos also to Grace who is an ever reliable support (she has assured me for such a long time now of welcome arms when i do not have anyone to spent time with). but unfortunately, i still do have my mind that is quirked up by any kind of aberrant figures in my life. and so there was. you see, i had a great time earlier. i didn't feel left out ( as i should considering that those girls have already bonded for quite some time now) at all. but then, as i left their company, i couldn't help but feel relief emanating from their auras. that atmosphere then got me thinking...

"was i intruding their time together? maybe i should have noticed it earlier...?"

when i'm away from home, i dislike doing nothing. i always have to be on the go. what i'm doing doesn't really matter, i just HAVE to do something - think, walk, do errands, and whatnot. i'd die if i would be idle for even a second. (at home is a totally different setting. i can bum around all i want and still have a reason to live.) and i have just so recently understood myself. i have to keep myself from thinking of my pathetic social life. whenever i get to think about it, i realize how oblivious i am to the world (although oblivion is not necessarily bad or good). i realize how i am isolated from the world because of who i am. (honestly though, from my point of view this is a good thing. isolation from the world keeps me from being attached to it and subsequently from being apart from God.) and i get depressed thinking that a normal girl is suppose to have a lot of friends... am i not normal?

but what keeps me from living a life without fear? a life without want?

i don't want to know love. (not yet at least.) i don't want to have a boyfriend. i don't want to even THINK of boys. because i want to keep myself pure.. xD that's what i tell myself; that's what my mind tells me. but sometimes, someone from somewhere makes me want to see he whom God has destined for me. i want to know that there indeed IS someone out there especially for me. a little encouragement to continue my endeavor (in a way).

all i want to say is:
i'm complicated. i don't want to be alone. i love being alone. i love suffering. i love waiting. i love God. but is there someone out there who loves the same things i love? is there someone out there - friend or partner - who can appreciate me? is there someone out there who i can share life and her stories with?

oh God... i hope and pray, Lord, that You clear my mind, heart, and soul. help me accept these things that i obviously cannot change. thank You, Lord. =)

i just Want to be left alone

Can't you just leave me alone?

do i have a Choice?

honestly... do i even have a choice? do i have a choice whether to say i'm okay or i'm not okay?


even if i were 10000000% not okay, i still have to BE okay. i can't put my guard down for a minute. i can't whine like a baby. i can't put my responsibilities on the shoulders of others...

and it's sad really. i like having tens and thousands of responsibilities. it is a very humbling and, at the same time, confidence-raising situation. but whenever i remember or think of the moments when i feel as if i had no support of any kind whatsoever, i die. and while i know that God is my omnipresent support in all troubles and whatnot, i still feel tired... physically. i am just human after all.

the bottom line is, i still don't know how to trust. why? it takes trust for one to rely on other people. i realized this much today. and it's sad because i'm killing myself by being afraid to trust others.

May God bless us all...



help me and keep me, O Lord. You are my only hope. You are my only refuge.
Grant me the strength to deliver and the resilience to change.
But most of all, my Lord, grant me the wisdom to know what i can do and what i cannot do.
Grant me the wisdom, O Lord, to know my limits.
thank You, blessed God and everlasting Lord, my Father...

Amen

Death

I feel dead.

If God raised Jesus from the dead... do you think He'll raise me up too?

I feel like I'm walking an endless road. It's tiring. I hope it ends soon.

I feel like I'm living alone. Isolated from other people. But then, I also feel mocked and abused by all those other people that isolated themselves from me. Or that I isolated myself from.

I wonder what my God is telling me. I think I'm becoming deaf.

Dear world, please stop whatever it is your doing and start making sense.

best of Friends

something got me thinking. what are best friends? is there a line differentiating best friends and family? who draws the line? when do you have the right to call someone your best friend? does the time come when you stop calling your best friend "best friend"? if your best friend is of the opposite sex, can he/she become your spouse as easily as if he/she were not your best friend? do matters become more complicated between best friends? how do you find one?