Black Hole

Behind the facade of smiles and good cheer, there is a hole.

I don't understand. Why do I long for another person to make me feel whole? Why do I not feel "whole" as I did before? I feel guilty that God's presence does not make me feel whole. But why? Is there something blocking my union with God? This is so annoying.

What's happening to me? :|

"I'm 19/F. Single. And not looking. Just waiting."

That's what I tell myself anyway. But lately, just the least of things makes me long for someone to share life with. For one, seeing my 2 best college buds together makes me feel happy. All my thoughts circle around one simple line: "It's good they've got each other. I pray theirs lasts forever." And then there are those times when people tease me. And like the good little daddy's girl I resign myself to be, I shy myself from the possibilities. "Women have the luxury of saying no." said one of my nurse mentors (Sir E. Juco). But I don't. No one's going to here a good hard NO from me anytime soon. I don't want to close any doors. They're all open. And I don't want to say yes either. It's not like I'm desperate for just anybody.

It's times like these when I've got a lot of time to myself that I feel lonely. Dear God, help me. :| Whenever I have time to think, I feel it. Oh, that hideous hideous emotion. Free time to me is a pain! Free time gives me time to think about things that I can't change. To think about things that don't matter. To think about things that annoy me to death! No wonder I drown myself in school work and activities. They're so much more simpler. I mean, what's research compared to introspection? Research has an end! There is an answer! Introspection?! Pfft! Answers are subjective.

This feeling... is killing me.

A Mom & Me Conversation
"Si Ken pala 21 lang eh."
"Huh? What's that? Who's Ken?"
"21 palang siya. Yung may-ari ng ********"
"Huh? And?"
"Bata palang."
"So?"
"Edi kayo nalang."
"Gah."

God, forgive me and my ugly ugly thoughts.. :| Sigh...