And there was a bear,,,

Smiling.

Sometimes, it's easier to smile and pretend everything's ok.

Sometimes, it's just so easier to smile.




Most of the time, it's easier to pretend and make-believe.

Mano Po

Today, I met 2 Ninongs (Godfathers) plus 3 friends of my parents. All in the OR. All in the second to the last day of my OR shift. Sigh, this makes me want it so much more! :)

To start the day was Skills Lab class. While waiting for my classroom to open, I met Mrs. Garcia. And she blessed me! Wee!! :D Gosh, no wonder I had such a wonderful day! So Ninang-ninangan na. :P

Next up, I met Dr. Joanna Ronquillo and Dr. Yvette Go, both anesthesiologist friends of my mother. And yes, they were kulit. Haha!

Then I met my Ninong, Dr. Alberto Paulino, II. Haha, now, this is a funny experience. Ninong was walking towards me and I waved and said, "Hi Ninong! Mano po. :D" Then he said, "Uy! Ikaw pala 'yan! Wala kang case?" "Wala po eh" with simultaneous blessing his hand. Here's the funny part! Apparently, some staff nurses heard me say "Mano po." And they said, "Hahaha, mano po daw o!" Haha! And they kept laughing. I don't really know why.

Anyway, next I met Dr. Christian Doctor. Another anesthesiologist friend of my mother. He was also kulit. Haha.

Last up, I met and made bless-bless Dr. David Bolong. Haha. He had a nephrolithotomy earlier today. He said "Ay, 'di kita namukhaan. Anong year ka na pala?" And a short small talk ensued.

Fun fun day. I love it! Why does this shift have to come to an end? Just when everything's starting to bloom so much! Sigh..

BTW, Sir Aldrin Basaysay. He is so kulit too! Haha. He made me divulge what I got from Ninong Dave for Christmas. LOL. Haha. It was for a good cause though. If I didn't, he wouldn't give me the suture packaging for Anna's preference cards. Haha!

Dear God, please bless all the staff and doctors of the USTH.
I love them all so much! :D
Thank you for the experience and opportunity you've blessed me with.
I love it and I will cherish it for as long as I live! :)

Lara Loves the Operating Room

OH GOD. SHUCKS.

I'm so in love with the OR. 5 weeks go by in a flash. Literally. I wish I could convert all of my duty days into OR duty days. :|
"If I could have my duty at the OR forever, I'd be more than happy to make an NCA inclusive of 7 NCPs for every single case. Minor and major."

Photo by Lara Lim

I love green.
I love Kelly's.
I love Baktolin.
I love OR Suite 7.
I love the wash area.
I love getting the basin.
I love washing instruments.
I love Ochsner.
I love Balfour.
I love lapsheets.
I love 2\3's.
I love the staaaff!

Wah. I'm so going to miss the OR.

If I could only live and die in the OR... Oh God.

Shucks, separation anxiety is such a drag.

Meh

The sound of 'meh' is the sound of a person who thinks so little of your input they can't be bothered to type 'gaaayy.' The person too lazy to articulate their thoughts beyond a monosyllabic interjection and yet so confident in their opinion that they will casually cast judgment on your entire being. 'Don't bore me,' they warn. And when faced with that kind of ultimatum, there's really only one answer... 'meh'.

From my cousin who says meh every now and then. Hah.

Photo by Rick Harris

victims of Circumstances

Never in my life did I think I would accept that man is a victim of chance - a victim of circumstances.

It's a little degrading. But, as it turns out, our successes really are subject to the era we were born in.

someone broke my friendship Bracelet

last day of school.
sadly, it had to be a bad day too.

sayang, sayang talaga.

THE DEED IS DONE.

Finally, second year life is over. Whew. One year of being a sophomore student has really beaten me up! One year of being a class president has really tired me out... Thank You for destining an end to it all, Lord. =)

At first I thought that once today ends, I'd be the happiest person alive. But I guess I thought wrong. It's my fault of course. I let other people affect what I feel. What I think. I let other people affect me. My brother says I'm immature. But I guess that's part of growing up.

Someone broke my friendship bracelet by the way. Someone. It was not one person. They were a lot. I'm not sure if I'll be able to fix up my friendship bracelet. But I hope I was able to collect all the broken parts. It would be a waste if I will not be able to fix my bracelet.

I wonder why they broke my bracelet. I didn't do anything to hurt them anyway.

What a sad day in school.

ThankYou,Jesus,ForHelpingMeInMyExams!

iLoveyou

i just love making people happy... ;D
no matter how small
my act seems to be...
i always thought that
i'd be making a difference
just by doing something small...
people nowadays, you see,
want to do only the BIG things.

but if everyone does the BIG things...
who's going to do the small things?
the small things that
make BIG things BIG?

i will.

the battle of the Century

the battle draws near. who dares carry the polished swords?


rivers of glory - shine forth and call the golden army.

yes Jesus

Dear Jesus,

Hi! It's me again. Uhm. Lord? Please hear me out here. I'm really going "under."

Dear Lord, I have so many plans for my life - ah, forgive my ambitiousness. I don't know if all of them are in accordance with Your will. But I'm trying. And I say yes to You alone, Lord. Should You say no to any one of my plans, I shall follow. Above all, Lord, I know that in every situation I will encounter as I journey through life, I must consider and protect my family's opinions. I must respect them above all (except You of course :) )

Every day, Lord, You give me an opportunity to shine and be better and show the world that I am Your daughter. And every day, Lord, as it seems, I run to You in prayer - asking for guidance and grace that I so desperately need. Sometimes, I see Your response clearly. Sometimes, vaguely. Sometimes, none at all. But, Lord, I am not dismayed. I believe that that's Your way of showing me that I must face everything not behind You but rather WITH you.

And so, Jesus, I greatly thank You for all You've done and for all You are doing and for all that You will do. Lord, I do not know nor can I imagine my life should You not have been Who You are. Should You not have done what You do. Thank You, Jesus.

Great Almighty Father, I come to You in humble resignation.

Dear Jesus, I tried my best to help out my two friends. But that is all I can do for them. It's their turn to move. Dear God, please bless them in their choices. Please be with them, Lord Jesus. (PS Lord, I thank You for giving me the time, the place, and the words during our conversations. I know You did that for us. Thank You. Thank You for letting me talk to them. Thank You, Lord.)

But now, Lord, it's my turn. I need to help myself. This time, I'm the one going "under."

I have to admit, Lord, I don't know what You want to happen in my life. Who does? All I know is that what I have ahead of me is very vague - but also focused. It's ironic. I know. But, that's how it looks like to me... That's how it seems to me.

God, You give. Then You take. Then You give something better. Then You give again. Oh, Jesus, I thank You for giving me all these things despite my worthlessness. But, God... may I ask? What am I to do with all these things? What should my response be? I am sorely confused.

Dear God, I have only one prayer for tonight. Please show me what to do. Please show me what to say. Please show me what to believe.

Dear Jesus, I thank You for continually being my God. Thank You. Thank You for your graciousness and kindness. Merciful Jesus. Thank You for saving me.

Thank You, God.

Amen :)

Christmas

Christmas is suppose to be about Christ. CHRISTmas. Seriously.

But I can't stop thinking about myself. Why is that?

As I opened my gifts this Christmas, I thought of Christ. And that's a good thing. But the bad thing is... I couldn't help but EXPECT that I'd be getting something extra special this year. And so... I am devastated. Disappointed. Sad. Depressed. Annoyed. Hurt. Lifeless.

I'm giving up.

I give up.

Even my studies suck.

Oh God... you're my only hope. you are my only refuge. you are my only escape. please be my hope. please be my refuge. please be my escape. please...

imcryingmynightaway. evenifitsuselessto. imcryingmynightaway. justsothaticanforgeteverything.

wish You'd give me an A+

good evening, friends. :)

i've just received my grades from school tonight... and, honestly speaking, they're below satisfactory. but. i am thankful to my Lord and God for giving me such a grade. 1.70. He has been very faithful to me even though i easily stray from the path He has set before me. thank You thank You thank You, Lord, for granting me such a grade. i know i can do better. and so i will aim for that better. and, no, not for the satisfaction of receiving a high grade. rather, i'd like to do better so that i can have the satisfaction that i was able to give God the best that i could give. :) and so, once again, i humbly ask for Your guidance and blessings, Lord. once again. i go to You. please guide me again this second semester. :)

i did get an F though. a big bad F. not from my friends or my teachers. but rather from my parents.
i don't know if it was because of the way i told them about my grade or if what they're saying really is just the way they'd say it no matter the circumstance... but they gave me an F for my performance. it wasn't good enough.
no matter how hard i try right now, i don't see the light of day. i only see how i really could have done better. i only see how i failed. how i slacked.

and yes. i could have done better. i did fail. i did slack.

but i thank God because His Hand has been there for me to guide me and to lift me from the abyss of my life.

nonetheless, i retain the longing for my parents to one day acknowledge me... that i've got something to be proud of... anything. even if its just diligence... or patience... anything at all...
somehow, right now, i don't feel like the best thing on earth... although not necessarily the dust on the ground. :D

but i'll be better :D

Thanks again, Lord. :) Love You.
Lara

bold and Confident

something about plain, bold-colored clothes has been revealed to me today. as i saw a lady wearing a freely flowing lime green silk gown taking the escalator to a higher floor, i saw how all her body's curves and assets were so easily seen - so easily flaunted. then it hit me: no wonder i don't prefer single toned shirts or dresses; they show every corner of one's body. whew. something i would never want to flaunt ( because one, i don't have anything to flaunt; and two, even if i did, it's not something to flaunt [in my opinion, of course]).

besides, boldly colored clothes only say one thing: look at me, i'm confident of myself and my body! woo~! haha! and yeah, you guessed it, i'm not.

bah, other matters are at hand. :D

so anyway:

i've still got that inferiority complex hanging around me. :O surprising? not. haha!

despite the fact that i fancy myself looking to God for acceptance and second-the-motions, i find myself looking for the okay signs of friends and acquaintances as well. though i do have opinions and ideas of my own, i still look for and consider other's inputs more than my own. while sometimes i think that its just normal (and, in fact, good) that i esteem the ideas of others better than mine, sometimes i feel i go overboard and esteem others (their being) OVERLY BETTER than me. 10000x better.

yeah, that, basically, is who i am.

but my mother says i'm a proud person. and i agree. so i wonder when the above stated circumstances occur when i am, in fact, a proud person.

woo~!

so that's Why

so that's why... so that's why you're not assertive.
because you learn to stop yourself whenever your 101% sure that you ARE right. because whenever you're 101% sure that you are right you are 101% wrong. THAT's what life has taught you. No. That's what GOD has taught you. You are never right. because You are a sorry entity. mortal. sinful. proud. blinded by pride.
that is the truth my friend. that is the truth.

so NEVER think yourself right ESPECIALLY when you THINK you ARE RIGHT. because, let me tell you, my friend, you are wrong. you always will be.

sleep Deprivation

i don't get it... i'm sleepy almost always. :O

i need to make a descent nursing history tomorrow or i will kill myself. O.O not literally though.

i've got a feeling that something is going to go wrong soon. i've got a very strong feeling. maybe the feeling is emanating from friday's event... ah, but still... i do hope i'm wrong... :O

alone is synonymous to Normal

Orson Welles said

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.

i say true as true can be... so don't fight it anymore... you'll only lose in vain.

John Webster said

Eagles commonly fly alone. They are crows, daws, and starlings that flock together.

be eagles, friends. be eagles.



but then... i thought we enter this world with our mothers.
why then do i feel so alone. so much so as though i had no mother?

realizations under the August sun

i had a lot of time to think yesterday and what a first in a very long time. and thankfully, i was able to resolve a troubling question that has been with me for a while now. actually, it isn't very new to me. i just thought of lowering it a little - my guard. and it is a good thing i didn't. i guess my state of being always in red alert mode is good for me. well, not always, just when meeting new people. and, as i realized it now, when staying with old acquaintances with whom i have previously had unfinished business.

thing is, i was wrong to think that i could stay and be friends with someone - with people - who are complete opposites of me. yes, they share some of my ideas, but those are not enough to connect the real me to them. i was wrong to think that i could and should fashion myself to their standards. ah, i was so wrong. i am who i am as i asked God to mold me. i should never ever look to others for appreciation. i should never ever tolerate people who appall me. never. i should never run after friends and much less relationships. i shouldn't even fancy them. i shouldn't be afraid of being alone during my last days. God is always with me and i should never fear.

another realization i had yesterday is that i am extremely good at keeping two faces - two personalities - secrets, and whatnot. it's easy for me. hah, and i think now that it is because i can share whatever i want with God who hears me and keeps my secrets well. i need not any mortal being who has to bend to society's rules and weaknesses.

and so i have a resolve that i pray God help me keep. may i never put down my guard against the mortals who have so easily attached themselves to this world. may i never ever look to this world for acceptance. may i never be made happy simply because of vanities brought about by boys, men, clothes, grades, and social status. may i always be happy and content with the things i have. may i never seek more or less than what i can do for both God and man. may i serve others always before myself and in a better manner. and with God's help, may i show to the world Jesus, as He would have been in our day today.

i don't have to share anything with the people who are of this world - words, actions, likes, dislikes.

five kinds of People

i just realize how i too can be discriminating... i was actually just thinking of a topic for today's post and suddenly i thought of this: five kinds of people.

i basically group acquaintances into 3 categories: the positive, the neutral, and the negative. the latter two are self-explanatory. the neutral, obviously, don't have a positive or negative impact on me. and the negative have... a negative impact. (duh?)

the positive category is, however, more detailed than that. that is, there are people who:
i like talking to,
i like seeing function, and
i like being with.

among the people who fit in the positive category, the people i like talking to are most common. the people i like seeing function come second. these people are not very good to talk to, neither very nice to be with, but, looking from a far, astound me. it's like they are beautiful sculptures from a far, but, upon seeing their most detailed features, crevices, and whatnot, appall me. and, lastly and most amusing is, so far in my life, i've only had ONE person xx xxx xxxxxxxx xxx i like being with...

hah! talk about choosy.

Sick

i am

gonna

die

early.

Kids

I guess, I really am a kid - still. Still a kid.
A stupid, naive kid.

I have to grow up.

Fast.

I wonder what the record time for growing up is. Maybe I can run for the Guinness.

Har.

Sing for me.