another letter to God

Dear Lord,

What can I say? I feel like the most unblessed girl in this world in this moment.

I remember those times when I used to debate over which would be better: a small number of close friends or a big number of mere acquaintances. At times, one would be better... but at other times, the other could be preferred. But I do not have any complaints as to my current state. I'm just sad - and hurt - because I seem to have neither. Not that I have no friends... but rather that I have a lot. That is, according to my point of view. However... do I really? In my eyes, I have so many friends. But do these friends see me as one? Do they think of me as their friend? Or do they see me only as one who can be used, trampled on, and thrown away?

Maybe Jesus had these questions whirling in His Head too.

I see so many people having so much fun while I'm stuck in my own world. Not because of circumstance but rather because I choose to be. Not because I want to be but because I'm afraid to be otherwise. Because. Once again. I am correct. This world has proven me right. Once again. Once again, I am hurt by a person I care for.

And that's exactly what You feel. Isn't it?

:'(

But, God, if I don't continue in the path that I am on now, I'll just end up like them. I'd end up hurting the people I love. The people I care about. Right? All this time I keep to heart that it is better to be hurt than to hurt.

Lord? Honestly, no one really knows of my hurt. No one except You. And sometimes I feel like no one cares. It seems like no one does really. Especially during times like these when no one takes the time to listen... or read. No one consoles. No one understands or even attempts to.

They just want me to give and give and give... and it is my pleasure! Oh, how it is my pleasure! But I do get tired too.

Am I not allowed to be tired, Lord? Even if I'm human?

Lord God, I thank You so much because You don't leave me alone. You never leave me alone. I thank You so much because You care. Because You are my God. Because You are my Lord. Because You want me to be like You. Selfless. Kind. Humble. Loving. Gentle. Just. Patient. Giving. Listening. Helpful. Brave. More still, because You are never too busy for me despite Your handling the WHOLE world.

Thank You for helping me choose to be hurt rather than to hurt. To love than to hate.

Thank You because You are a ready shoulder to cry on, Lord. And saying I LOVE YOU to You never gets old. It never does.

I love You, Father. :] Thank You for the opportunity to say that. :]


Love always,
Lara