Smiling.

Sometimes, it's easier to smile and pretend everything's ok.

Sometimes, it's just so easier to smile.




Most of the time, it's easier to pretend and make-believe.

Lara: Grandmother @19

Lara's
gonna
be
a
GRANDMOTHER
soon!

And
she'll
have
lots
of


...


...


...





YeaaY!
:D

Mano Po

Today, I met 2 Ninongs (Godfathers) plus 3 friends of my parents. All in the OR. All in the second to the last day of my OR shift. Sigh, this makes me want it so much more! :)

To start the day was Skills Lab class. While waiting for my classroom to open, I met Mrs. Garcia. And she blessed me! Wee!! :D Gosh, no wonder I had such a wonderful day! So Ninang-ninangan na. :P

Next up, I met Dr. Joanna Ronquillo and Dr. Yvette Go, both anesthesiologist friends of my mother. And yes, they were kulit. Haha!

Then I met my Ninong, Dr. Alberto Paulino, II. Haha, now, this is a funny experience. Ninong was walking towards me and I waved and said, "Hi Ninong! Mano po. :D" Then he said, "Uy! Ikaw pala 'yan! Wala kang case?" "Wala po eh" with simultaneous blessing his hand. Here's the funny part! Apparently, some staff nurses heard me say "Mano po." And they said, "Hahaha, mano po daw o!" Haha! And they kept laughing. I don't really know why.

Anyway, next I met Dr. Christian Doctor. Another anesthesiologist friend of my mother. He was also kulit. Haha.

Last up, I met and made bless-bless Dr. David Bolong. Haha. He had a nephrolithotomy earlier today. He said "Ay, 'di kita namukhaan. Anong year ka na pala?" And a short small talk ensued.

Fun fun day. I love it! Why does this shift have to come to an end? Just when everything's starting to bloom so much! Sigh..

BTW, Sir Aldrin Basaysay. He is so kulit too! Haha. He made me divulge what I got from Ninong Dave for Christmas. LOL. Haha. It was for a good cause though. If I didn't, he wouldn't give me the suture packaging for Anna's preference cards. Haha!

Dear God, please bless all the staff and doctors of the USTH.
I love them all so much! :D
Thank you for the experience and opportunity you've blessed me with.
I love it and I will cherish it for as long as I live! :)

A Sunday Morning Dream

'Uy, may case ka na, sabi ni Ma’am. Scrub na!’

But I just got here! Gosh!

I enter the room with my hands up and grab a green gown. No one has their gowns on yet. Ma’am CI (It’s positively NOT Ma’am Manzarate.) is in the room with me now.

I put my gown on. I see my gloves - 6 ½. With my hand still inside my gown I grab the right glove by the cuff. I try to don my glove. What the? Disposables? I struggle.

Ma’am came near so I had to turn to the other side so she wouldn’t see that I was struggling. My right hand came out of the gown. I pulled on my sleeve using my left and ungowned or ungloved hand. I’m officially unsterile now.

I manage to get my right hand gloved. What the heck? Di pa ako nagscscrub ah! Gah! Then my left. With a little less struggling. Then, when I hold my hands high, I notice that my gloves have rips all over. I need a new pair. Sheesh.

My circulating student nurse looks like Alyssa Habaluyas, a classmate from Sec 1-10.
‘Alyssa, pakuha naman ako ng 6 ½. Alam mo naman saan diba?’
‘Uh… oo.’
‘Ok, pabilisan ah.’
Then she’s gone. She came back successful.

‘Pabuksan nalang yung paper.’
‘Ganyan lang.’
And I got the left glove.
And she grabbed the right without care of the word sterile.
‘WAH! What did you do?!’

Then I went to Ma’am CI.
‘Ma’am! Impossible po circulating ko. Pwede po pachange?’
‘No, you make that work.’
Okaay… Then I turn to Alyssa. She’s heartbroken. I think she heard me. And I follow her running to the instruments room.

‘Ok look. Look at me!’ I grab her face to make her look. I’m totally unsterile now.

‘It’s not you ok. Basta, we need to focus. Now, get those gloves. Ok good. Let’s go back na.’

Suddenly, there’s a hoard of people at the window of our OR suite. But I managed to get in. Inside I saw that the operation was mid-way already.

I wait anxiously for Alyssa to appear from the crowd. Nada. Oh! There she is! Hurry up, I plead. Nada. What’s taking her?!

Somehow, my patient is taken from the room and I’m still waiting for my gloves. The crowd disappears and so does Alyssa. Sam is beside me studying a book.
‘Ano nangyari sa pasyente ko?’
‘Huh? Di ko alam. Sorry.’

Oh my crap. What the heck just happened. I have to find that patient!
And I walk outside. Nada.

I remember something about the PACU being on the 2nd floor above the OR so I go up. And I see a familiar site of elevators and more elevators labeled out-patient and in-patient. I’ve seen this in another dream before. I didn’t know if I should enter it. I’m still wearing my green gown by the way.

A bunch of people come up the 2nd floor using the same escalator as I did. They chatter. And they enter the room labeled ‘Family and Friends.’ I get to peek inside and I see lots of ‘pan-to’s’ and just a few people. It was like they were ready to have party.

I turn to the right. That was the only way left to go. From a far, I see restaurants and a game center much like Timezone. I turn right again and I see huge escalators. As in 3-4 floor escalators.

And then I see Mimi standing behind the railings. BEHIND the railings of an escalator.

‘Anong ginagawa mo diyan? Baka mahulog ka!’
‘Ah hindi, wala. May inaabangan kasi ako.’
‘Sino?’
‘Uh basta.’
‘?’
‘Sige na nga lalabas na.’
And she got out.
‘Kasi ganito yun’ she blurted and grabbed my arm. We started walking towards the PACU.

‘Uy Mimi!’ It was a friend of hers, male, and a lot more following him, 4-5 I think. All male.

‘Nako, sila na nga yan.’

‘Ah kayo pala ah,’ I said, ‘kayo kasi eh kayo kasi [kaya nasa dangerous na lugar si Mimi kanina!]’ Simultaneously I spanked everyone’s shoulders. I think I sort of forgot that I still hadn’t taken my gown off. From my side vision, I notice another one of the boys coming up from the nearby escalator.
Then I turn towards him and said, ‘Sino pa ba di ko napapalo?’
No one replies.
‘Sige na nga ok na yan. Baka madoble pa.’
And I go back to Mimi.

Then I wake up.

Weird dream. Yet so vivid. :|
This is what I get for thinking about the OR so much. :|

Lara Loves the Operating Room

OH GOD. SHUCKS.

I'm so in love with the OR. 5 weeks go by in a flash. Literally. I wish I could convert all of my duty days into OR duty days. :|
"If I could have my duty at the OR forever, I'd be more than happy to make an NCA inclusive of 7 NCPs for every single case. Minor and major."

Photo by Lara Lim

I love green.
I love Kelly's.
I love Baktolin.
I love OR Suite 7.
I love the wash area.
I love getting the basin.
I love washing instruments.
I love Ochsner.
I love Balfour.
I love lapsheets.
I love 2\3's.
I love the staaaff!

Wah. I'm so going to miss the OR.

If I could only live and die in the OR... Oh God.

Shucks, separation anxiety is such a drag.

Black Hole

Behind the facade of smiles and good cheer, there is a hole.

I don't understand. Why do I long for another person to make me feel whole? Why do I not feel "whole" as I did before? I feel guilty that God's presence does not make me feel whole. But why? Is there something blocking my union with God? This is so annoying.

What's happening to me? :|

"I'm 19/F. Single. And not looking. Just waiting."

That's what I tell myself anyway. But lately, just the least of things makes me long for someone to share life with. For one, seeing my 2 best college buds together makes me feel happy. All my thoughts circle around one simple line: "It's good they've got each other. I pray theirs lasts forever." And then there are those times when people tease me. And like the good little daddy's girl I resign myself to be, I shy myself from the possibilities. "Women have the luxury of saying no." said one of my nurse mentors (Sir E. Juco). But I don't. No one's going to here a good hard NO from me anytime soon. I don't want to close any doors. They're all open. And I don't want to say yes either. It's not like I'm desperate for just anybody.

It's times like these when I've got a lot of time to myself that I feel lonely. Dear God, help me. :| Whenever I have time to think, I feel it. Oh, that hideous hideous emotion. Free time to me is a pain! Free time gives me time to think about things that I can't change. To think about things that don't matter. To think about things that annoy me to death! No wonder I drown myself in school work and activities. They're so much more simpler. I mean, what's research compared to introspection? Research has an end! There is an answer! Introspection?! Pfft! Answers are subjective.

This feeling... is killing me.

A Mom & Me Conversation
"Si Ken pala 21 lang eh."
"Huh? What's that? Who's Ken?"
"21 palang siya. Yung may-ari ng ********"
"Huh? And?"
"Bata palang."
"So?"
"Edi kayo nalang."
"Gah."

God, forgive me and my ugly ugly thoughts.. :| Sigh...

good, honorable, and Worthy

I stumbled upon this while googling an image for "leadership." And I just can't let it slide! If you have time, why not read this beautiful entry by Mr. Jim Martin in his webbie, A Place for the God-Hungry.

- Excerpt begins here -

Do you, as a leader, ever feel like you are alone in your race? Life is a lifelong marathon. The goal is not speed but endurance. We just want to finish and finish strong. Yet, it is awfully difficult to do this by yourself.

Leadership can be a very lonely role. Yet, sometimes, the issue may be more than loneliness. We may have jumped the gun and so we find ourselves running -- alone. While leadership involves the individual and his or her commitments, values, and passions, it is more than a task to be done alone. Leadership requires others. Leading is more than being aware of where others are in the process. It could be that you have jumped the gun, not realizing that others are not with you.

Leadership is more than telling people which way to go. It is more than announcing, persuading, or even preaching to them. Leadership involves working with people and bringing them along. Leadership is influencing people for something good, honorable, and worthy.

As leaders, we want to finish and finish strong. We lead because we believe the cause is great and the goal is worthy. However, we were never meant to run by ourselves. Life is tough -- at times leadership is extremely tough. How encouraging it is to know that you are not running alone.

And so ...
1. Leadership is not about being a "Lone Ranger." To lead is not to run the race by yourself while others watch.
2. Leadership is about working with people to move toward something that is good, honorable, and worthy.

- Excerpt ends here -

Take care, everyone~

Blown away

i've got one wish tonight...
maybe you'll hear them someday

i hope you hear them someday...

Meh

The sound of 'meh' is the sound of a person who thinks so little of your input they can't be bothered to type 'gaaayy.' The person too lazy to articulate their thoughts beyond a monosyllabic interjection and yet so confident in their opinion that they will casually cast judgment on your entire being. 'Don't bore me,' they warn. And when faced with that kind of ultimatum, there's really only one answer... 'meh'.

From my cousin who says meh every now and then. Hah.

Photo by Rick Harris

rules and Dreams

if rules are meant to be broken,
dreams are meant to be shattered.

Dom Helder Camara said
When we are dreaming alone,
it is only a dream.
When we are dreaming with others,
it is the beginning of reality.

But well, Mary Beth Danielson said,

If growing up is the process of creating
ideas and dreams about what life should be,
then maturity is letting go again.

Paul Valery,
The best way
to make your dreams come true is
to wake up.


And Carl Jung,
Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakes.


Are you dreaming? Or are you living?

victims of Circumstances

Never in my life did I think I would accept that man is a victim of chance - a victim of circumstances.

It's a little degrading. But, as it turns out, our successes really are subject to the era we were born in.

ferris Wheel

Have you ever wondered why GAMES are so popular? Why is pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey still a favorite children's party game? Why is the Jerusalem game still around? Why SuperMario stands as a favorite past time? Have you ever wondered why even the oldest people still continue to play games?

Oh yes, I couldn't agree more. Games are a source of entertainment. They are better than plain watching TV too. Games allow us to be INVOLVED. Games give people a sense of fulfillment.

All games have an end. A happily-ever-after. If they didn't, not many will play them. Perhaps a little suspense at the end. But there's sure to be a sequel to the unfinished horror story.

Have you ever wondered why?

I thought of a simple explanation.

While playing a game, we stop living our real lives and assimilate a fantasy world. We take a break from real life with all its hardships and complications and enter a world where there's one simple end - the finish line - and one simple PATH to that end - destroy all obstacles.

Life offers so many goals. So many ends. And with those, life offers so many choices. There are so many decisions to make but only ONE correct answer. Sometimes we choose the right one. Sometimes we struggle a little because of our choice. But there are those times when we feel like our lives have been "destroyed for good." When you think about it, doesn't it seem like a great load on our shoulders? As puny little humans?

The fantasy world offered to us through games and whatnot provides us with a SIMPLER life. One goal. One end. One choice. The game ends when we reach the finish line. To reach the finish line, all we need to do is beat up the big boss. Oh yes, you can argue that games like the FinalFantasy series offers so many choices - superpowers, skills, alternate endings, and whatnot. But think about it. You still have to finish the game by beating the boss. And when that's done, it's all "Congratulations! You have won!"

In the end, games provide people with satisfaction. The one that's not hard to get. With all the wrong choices one makes in the real world, games let us see that, one way or another, there is a good end to all these things. Games give us hope. Hope that we - insignificant and imperfect humans - can also reach the good end.

~

Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes, problems present themselves one after another. But what all men must remember is that THERE ARE UPS IN OUR LIVES.

Life is full of ups and downs. The quote mentions UPS before downs. Hopefully, we, too, see the ups in our lives before the downs.

~

I feel betrayed.
Jesus did too.
This is what He did.

1 Peter 2:23
When they hurled
their insults at him,
he did not retaliate;

when he suffered,
he made no threats.

Instead, he entrusted himself
to him who judges justly.

And that's what
I'll do too.

ThankYou for
Your Example,
Jesus.
=)

someone broke my friendship Bracelet

last day of school.
sadly, it had to be a bad day too.

sayang, sayang talaga.

THE DEED IS DONE.

Finally, second year life is over. Whew. One year of being a sophomore student has really beaten me up! One year of being a class president has really tired me out... Thank You for destining an end to it all, Lord. =)

At first I thought that once today ends, I'd be the happiest person alive. But I guess I thought wrong. It's my fault of course. I let other people affect what I feel. What I think. I let other people affect me. My brother says I'm immature. But I guess that's part of growing up.

Someone broke my friendship bracelet by the way. Someone. It was not one person. They were a lot. I'm not sure if I'll be able to fix up my friendship bracelet. But I hope I was able to collect all the broken parts. It would be a waste if I will not be able to fix my bracelet.

I wonder why they broke my bracelet. I didn't do anything to hurt them anyway.

What a sad day in school.

ThankYou,Jesus,ForHelpingMeInMyExams!

iLoveyou

i just love making people happy... ;D
no matter how small
my act seems to be...
i always thought that
i'd be making a difference
just by doing something small...
people nowadays, you see,
want to do only the BIG things.

but if everyone does the BIG things...
who's going to do the small things?
the small things that
make BIG things BIG?

i will.

the battle of the Century

the battle draws near. who dares carry the polished swords?


rivers of glory - shine forth and call the golden army.

Medicine

What are you talking about?
...
Is there something I should know?
...
What are you not telling me?
...

~

That came from a boy.
Who is he?
Don't tell him.
Imagine what would happen to the kid.
Are you going to Med school?
Yes. Don't you want me to?
Are you sure you're still going to Med school?
...
Because if you are, you should know how to answer.

~

He is my boardmate.
Oh geez. Don't talk to him.
Please don't. Let her handle it first.
Let me handle it first.
I'll let her handle it first.
But if she can't, I will handle it my way.

Angels east.
Angels west.
Please do your best
to guard and watch her
while she rests.

Lord. :(

having thought of everything that has happened, i see that i love my life as it is. i do not need anyone or anything else besides that which God has given me already. i am wholly content with the things i have and with the things that i do not. i am wholly content in my God.
walking alone through a busy street, i hear only myself speaking with my God. this is the time when i can talk to You and walk with You. i don't want anyone or anything to come between us during our long walks with each other.

i love You.

paper thin.
everything is paper thin.

yes Jesus

Dear Jesus,

Hi! It's me again. Uhm. Lord? Please hear me out here. I'm really going "under."

Dear Lord, I have so many plans for my life - ah, forgive my ambitiousness. I don't know if all of them are in accordance with Your will. But I'm trying. And I say yes to You alone, Lord. Should You say no to any one of my plans, I shall follow. Above all, Lord, I know that in every situation I will encounter as I journey through life, I must consider and protect my family's opinions. I must respect them above all (except You of course :) )

Every day, Lord, You give me an opportunity to shine and be better and show the world that I am Your daughter. And every day, Lord, as it seems, I run to You in prayer - asking for guidance and grace that I so desperately need. Sometimes, I see Your response clearly. Sometimes, vaguely. Sometimes, none at all. But, Lord, I am not dismayed. I believe that that's Your way of showing me that I must face everything not behind You but rather WITH you.

And so, Jesus, I greatly thank You for all You've done and for all You are doing and for all that You will do. Lord, I do not know nor can I imagine my life should You not have been Who You are. Should You not have done what You do. Thank You, Jesus.

Great Almighty Father, I come to You in humble resignation.

Dear Jesus, I tried my best to help out my two friends. But that is all I can do for them. It's their turn to move. Dear God, please bless them in their choices. Please be with them, Lord Jesus. (PS Lord, I thank You for giving me the time, the place, and the words during our conversations. I know You did that for us. Thank You. Thank You for letting me talk to them. Thank You, Lord.)

But now, Lord, it's my turn. I need to help myself. This time, I'm the one going "under."

I have to admit, Lord, I don't know what You want to happen in my life. Who does? All I know is that what I have ahead of me is very vague - but also focused. It's ironic. I know. But, that's how it looks like to me... That's how it seems to me.

God, You give. Then You take. Then You give something better. Then You give again. Oh, Jesus, I thank You for giving me all these things despite my worthlessness. But, God... may I ask? What am I to do with all these things? What should my response be? I am sorely confused.

Dear God, I have only one prayer for tonight. Please show me what to do. Please show me what to say. Please show me what to believe.

Dear Jesus, I thank You for continually being my God. Thank You. Thank You for your graciousness and kindness. Merciful Jesus. Thank You for saving me.

Thank You, God.

Amen :)

me Sorry... why?

I accepted the offer. :D I accepted the offer... :O I ACCEPTED THE OFFER! xD

Forgive me if I had to repeat that a couple of times. :P I'm still shocked at what I did! It was a huge decision to make. But thankfully, I chose for it. Hopefully, thankfully. Haha.


Someone sent me a text message yesterday afternoon. It was just a simple Hi thing. :D But... It made me realize the that someone if slowly becoming a special someone. I wonder how I could tell that someone that. :O Haha!


Sad face. Still confused face.


I talked to one of my friends yesterday. She was having a hard time. An extremely hard time. She was even considering giving up. Shifting her course. Drastic measures jsut to escape her problems. I told her not to. That that's the worst thing she could do. That running won't solve the problem. I told her she had to be strong for herself. That no one would stand up for her besides her. That she needed to voice out her problems. That she needed to pray. That she needed to stop and think.

I'm not sure what she will do now. I told her to go home and rest first. Then decide. Hopefully I was able to convince her to fight.


God, You are my Helper. In everything. Thank You for giving me an opportunity to talk to my friend that way. Thank You because You gave me the words to tell her. Thank You because I know You won't leave her on her own. :3
Lord, even before, I have thought that someone is trying to hurt me. Backstab. Or whatnot. I have never confirmed that. But the feeling is intermittent. Right now, I feel it. Is my feeling in touch with reality? I don't know. But God... If I have hurt someone, please let me know. So that I can say sorry to them. If someone wants to hurt me, then let Your will be done.
I cherish every moment I have with You. I cherish every moment I have with my friends. I cherish every moment I have with my family. I cherish every moment I have with myself.

Thank You Jesus for saving me from my sin. :)


Love,awe,andthankfullness,
lara

choices and Right choices

Dear God,

I miss You! I feel like it's been so long since I last had a very long conversation with You... and I'm very sorry. I'm sorry because I didn't give You any time, because I haven't placed You as my top Priority. And I'm terribly sorry... because I come to You now with a problem that I have been struggling with for a long time now. I'm sorry that I'm coming to You only after that long time... I should have run to You in the first place. I should have ran and stayed in You Arms for as long as I needed. I kept ignoring my problem thinking that You would take care of it for me. I overlooked the fact that I HAVE to do MY part as well. I'm sorry, Father. And I thank You... because now that I'm ready... You're here to listen. :)

Dear Lord, I talked to my class adviser today. I told her all about my problems... with my grades, priorities, and extra-curriculars. And she helped me a lot. And I thank You for her. :) She told me that I needn't pressure myself this hard. And that the pressure will make me look old. It will make me become "baliw" too, she says. But the only solution tom y problem she says... will be found only by me. I must reflect on the matter... and I must choose.

And that I will.

Father, I am faced with 2 options: to stay as a class president or to resign and become a normal college student. But those two options are great ones. If only I could switch from one mode to the other at my discretion... but life is not that forgiving. Lord, I thank You for finally making me realize that I really do need to choose one and only one. I cannot have the best of both worlds. I thank You for my mother and adviser who have so lovingly guided me thus far. I thank You, Lord, for making all these things possible. But, dear God, I do not know what to choose. I surrender to that fact, Lord. I do not know what to choose.

I love being class president. It gives me fulfillment and satisfaction knowing that I can be a leader to my friends. That I can serve even if I'm only a mere student. But, my grades are suffering, Lord. Oh, but I do not know if my grades are low because of my presidency or plainly because I really do deserve low grades. But, Lord, it saddens me to think that maybe, just maybe, I could have raised my grades one or two points higher if I studied a little longer or a little better.

And so, my petition, Lord God. I beg of You. Please help me find the answer to my query. Lord, please... I resign to You, God. For, now I realize that there is no end to this problem besides the end found in You. Lord, I realize that I cannot run. I cannot hide. I cannot ignore the fact that I am indeed struggling.

The past opportunity You gave me to run in the student council elections was amazing, Lord. But it was also an eye-opener. Lord, just a while ago, I realized that the way You made all the alumni drop me from the slate was a blessing. 101% a blessing, God. That experience made me realize that I am not ready for all this. That I am taking this too far. That I am sacrificing everything for something small. That I am destroying my life... my life with You. And, again, that I have to choose.

Lord, thank You. Because I can rest in You. Thank You because I don't have to run very far to find You. Thank You.

I'm giving it a few days. Until the end of the week probably. Please help me decide, Lord. Whether I will accept another Class Presidency. Or better yet, the position of Level Rep next year.

Thank You, Lord. I love You so much!

Praises and glory to You, Lord... :3
Lara:)

Running and Running

i want to run the race for Jesus
i want to win the race for Jesus.

does God want me to run and win?


Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.