me Sorry... why?

I accepted the offer. :D I accepted the offer... :O I ACCEPTED THE OFFER! xD

Forgive me if I had to repeat that a couple of times. :P I'm still shocked at what I did! It was a huge decision to make. But thankfully, I chose for it. Hopefully, thankfully. Haha.


Someone sent me a text message yesterday afternoon. It was just a simple Hi thing. :D But... It made me realize the that someone if slowly becoming a special someone. I wonder how I could tell that someone that. :O Haha!


Sad face. Still confused face.


I talked to one of my friends yesterday. She was having a hard time. An extremely hard time. She was even considering giving up. Shifting her course. Drastic measures jsut to escape her problems. I told her not to. That that's the worst thing she could do. That running won't solve the problem. I told her she had to be strong for herself. That no one would stand up for her besides her. That she needed to voice out her problems. That she needed to pray. That she needed to stop and think.

I'm not sure what she will do now. I told her to go home and rest first. Then decide. Hopefully I was able to convince her to fight.


God, You are my Helper. In everything. Thank You for giving me an opportunity to talk to my friend that way. Thank You because You gave me the words to tell her. Thank You because I know You won't leave her on her own. :3
Lord, even before, I have thought that someone is trying to hurt me. Backstab. Or whatnot. I have never confirmed that. But the feeling is intermittent. Right now, I feel it. Is my feeling in touch with reality? I don't know. But God... If I have hurt someone, please let me know. So that I can say sorry to them. If someone wants to hurt me, then let Your will be done.
I cherish every moment I have with You. I cherish every moment I have with my friends. I cherish every moment I have with my family. I cherish every moment I have with myself.

Thank You Jesus for saving me from my sin. :)


Love,awe,andthankfullness,
lara

choices and Right choices

Dear God,

I miss You! I feel like it's been so long since I last had a very long conversation with You... and I'm very sorry. I'm sorry because I didn't give You any time, because I haven't placed You as my top Priority. And I'm terribly sorry... because I come to You now with a problem that I have been struggling with for a long time now. I'm sorry that I'm coming to You only after that long time... I should have run to You in the first place. I should have ran and stayed in You Arms for as long as I needed. I kept ignoring my problem thinking that You would take care of it for me. I overlooked the fact that I HAVE to do MY part as well. I'm sorry, Father. And I thank You... because now that I'm ready... You're here to listen. :)

Dear Lord, I talked to my class adviser today. I told her all about my problems... with my grades, priorities, and extra-curriculars. And she helped me a lot. And I thank You for her. :) She told me that I needn't pressure myself this hard. And that the pressure will make me look old. It will make me become "baliw" too, she says. But the only solution tom y problem she says... will be found only by me. I must reflect on the matter... and I must choose.

And that I will.

Father, I am faced with 2 options: to stay as a class president or to resign and become a normal college student. But those two options are great ones. If only I could switch from one mode to the other at my discretion... but life is not that forgiving. Lord, I thank You for finally making me realize that I really do need to choose one and only one. I cannot have the best of both worlds. I thank You for my mother and adviser who have so lovingly guided me thus far. I thank You, Lord, for making all these things possible. But, dear God, I do not know what to choose. I surrender to that fact, Lord. I do not know what to choose.

I love being class president. It gives me fulfillment and satisfaction knowing that I can be a leader to my friends. That I can serve even if I'm only a mere student. But, my grades are suffering, Lord. Oh, but I do not know if my grades are low because of my presidency or plainly because I really do deserve low grades. But, Lord, it saddens me to think that maybe, just maybe, I could have raised my grades one or two points higher if I studied a little longer or a little better.

And so, my petition, Lord God. I beg of You. Please help me find the answer to my query. Lord, please... I resign to You, God. For, now I realize that there is no end to this problem besides the end found in You. Lord, I realize that I cannot run. I cannot hide. I cannot ignore the fact that I am indeed struggling.

The past opportunity You gave me to run in the student council elections was amazing, Lord. But it was also an eye-opener. Lord, just a while ago, I realized that the way You made all the alumni drop me from the slate was a blessing. 101% a blessing, God. That experience made me realize that I am not ready for all this. That I am taking this too far. That I am sacrificing everything for something small. That I am destroying my life... my life with You. And, again, that I have to choose.

Lord, thank You. Because I can rest in You. Thank You because I don't have to run very far to find You. Thank You.

I'm giving it a few days. Until the end of the week probably. Please help me decide, Lord. Whether I will accept another Class Presidency. Or better yet, the position of Level Rep next year.

Thank You, Lord. I love You so much!

Praises and glory to You, Lord... :3
Lara:)

Running and Running

i want to run the race for Jesus
i want to win the race for Jesus.

does God want me to run and win?


Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Christmas

Christmas is suppose to be about Christ. CHRISTmas. Seriously.

But I can't stop thinking about myself. Why is that?

As I opened my gifts this Christmas, I thought of Christ. And that's a good thing. But the bad thing is... I couldn't help but EXPECT that I'd be getting something extra special this year. And so... I am devastated. Disappointed. Sad. Depressed. Annoyed. Hurt. Lifeless.

I'm giving up.

I give up.

Even my studies suck.

Oh God... you're my only hope. you are my only refuge. you are my only escape. please be my hope. please be my refuge. please be my escape. please...

imcryingmynightaway. evenifitsuselessto. imcryingmynightaway. justsothaticanforgeteverything.

another letter to God

Dear Lord,

What can I say? I feel like the most unblessed girl in this world in this moment.

I remember those times when I used to debate over which would be better: a small number of close friends or a big number of mere acquaintances. At times, one would be better... but at other times, the other could be preferred. But I do not have any complaints as to my current state. I'm just sad - and hurt - because I seem to have neither. Not that I have no friends... but rather that I have a lot. That is, according to my point of view. However... do I really? In my eyes, I have so many friends. But do these friends see me as one? Do they think of me as their friend? Or do they see me only as one who can be used, trampled on, and thrown away?

Maybe Jesus had these questions whirling in His Head too.

I see so many people having so much fun while I'm stuck in my own world. Not because of circumstance but rather because I choose to be. Not because I want to be but because I'm afraid to be otherwise. Because. Once again. I am correct. This world has proven me right. Once again. Once again, I am hurt by a person I care for.

And that's exactly what You feel. Isn't it?

:'(

But, God, if I don't continue in the path that I am on now, I'll just end up like them. I'd end up hurting the people I love. The people I care about. Right? All this time I keep to heart that it is better to be hurt than to hurt.

Lord? Honestly, no one really knows of my hurt. No one except You. And sometimes I feel like no one cares. It seems like no one does really. Especially during times like these when no one takes the time to listen... or read. No one consoles. No one understands or even attempts to.

They just want me to give and give and give... and it is my pleasure! Oh, how it is my pleasure! But I do get tired too.

Am I not allowed to be tired, Lord? Even if I'm human?

Lord God, I thank You so much because You don't leave me alone. You never leave me alone. I thank You so much because You care. Because You are my God. Because You are my Lord. Because You want me to be like You. Selfless. Kind. Humble. Loving. Gentle. Just. Patient. Giving. Listening. Helpful. Brave. More still, because You are never too busy for me despite Your handling the WHOLE world.

Thank You for helping me choose to be hurt rather than to hurt. To love than to hate.

Thank You because You are a ready shoulder to cry on, Lord. And saying I LOVE YOU to You never gets old. It never does.

I love You, Father. :] Thank You for the opportunity to say that. :]


Love always,
Lara

wish You'd give me an A+

good evening, friends. :)

i've just received my grades from school tonight... and, honestly speaking, they're below satisfactory. but. i am thankful to my Lord and God for giving me such a grade. 1.70. He has been very faithful to me even though i easily stray from the path He has set before me. thank You thank You thank You, Lord, for granting me such a grade. i know i can do better. and so i will aim for that better. and, no, not for the satisfaction of receiving a high grade. rather, i'd like to do better so that i can have the satisfaction that i was able to give God the best that i could give. :) and so, once again, i humbly ask for Your guidance and blessings, Lord. once again. i go to You. please guide me again this second semester. :)

i did get an F though. a big bad F. not from my friends or my teachers. but rather from my parents.
i don't know if it was because of the way i told them about my grade or if what they're saying really is just the way they'd say it no matter the circumstance... but they gave me an F for my performance. it wasn't good enough.
no matter how hard i try right now, i don't see the light of day. i only see how i really could have done better. i only see how i failed. how i slacked.

and yes. i could have done better. i did fail. i did slack.

but i thank God because His Hand has been there for me to guide me and to lift me from the abyss of my life.

nonetheless, i retain the longing for my parents to one day acknowledge me... that i've got something to be proud of... anything. even if its just diligence... or patience... anything at all...
somehow, right now, i don't feel like the best thing on earth... although not necessarily the dust on the ground. :D

but i'll be better :D

Thanks again, Lord. :) Love You.
Lara

bold and Confident

something about plain, bold-colored clothes has been revealed to me today. as i saw a lady wearing a freely flowing lime green silk gown taking the escalator to a higher floor, i saw how all her body's curves and assets were so easily seen - so easily flaunted. then it hit me: no wonder i don't prefer single toned shirts or dresses; they show every corner of one's body. whew. something i would never want to flaunt ( because one, i don't have anything to flaunt; and two, even if i did, it's not something to flaunt [in my opinion, of course]).

besides, boldly colored clothes only say one thing: look at me, i'm confident of myself and my body! woo~! haha! and yeah, you guessed it, i'm not.

bah, other matters are at hand. :D

so anyway:

i've still got that inferiority complex hanging around me. :O surprising? not. haha!

despite the fact that i fancy myself looking to God for acceptance and second-the-motions, i find myself looking for the okay signs of friends and acquaintances as well. though i do have opinions and ideas of my own, i still look for and consider other's inputs more than my own. while sometimes i think that its just normal (and, in fact, good) that i esteem the ideas of others better than mine, sometimes i feel i go overboard and esteem others (their being) OVERLY BETTER than me. 10000x better.

yeah, that, basically, is who i am.

but my mother says i'm a proud person. and i agree. so i wonder when the above stated circumstances occur when i am, in fact, a proud person.

woo~!