i am like a Sandcastle

i'm a normal person. i have a lot of aspirations - millions. but i'm so much like a sandcastle too. i'm easily broken to millions.

TV shows are so misleading. they always show the happy side of things. ALWAYS. and even if they do show a tragic story, there's always that comforting fact/thought/person who helps the leading character out of misery.

no wonder TV shows are just TV shows.

one very exploited TV show topic for example is how parents should support their children especially during explorations of their children's capabilities. and they should. really. for one, because no one ever knows his greatness in a blink of an eye. and if children are left to discover the world by themselves, either they stumble upon their graves early or find their pot gold almost always too late to be as much advantageous as it could have been.

and it's sad really. especially here in the Philippines. Filipinos have a lot of skills. the only thing hindering them from soaring the skies is their social status. MONEY. checking priorities, how could any parent choose music class over FOOD?

i'm just very hurt. that's all. i don't know if my parents understand the meaning of the sentence, "not supporting is not discouraging per se, but it is most definitely not the same as supporting."

i love doing many things. everything. i love buying books and reading them. i love writing and drawing. i love making stories of fantasy and romance. i love singing and dancing. i love solving puzzles. i love learning languages. i love observing people. i love designing houses. i love taking care of people. i love doing errands. i love listening. i love speaking. i love thinking. i love praying. i love walking and running. i love making music. i love seeing beauty.

but i just don't know if i'm allowed to. if i should. or if it's just a waste of time. money. effort.

is it?

everytime you send me down,
you send me down
crashing.
and i die.

alone is synonymous to Normal

Orson Welles said

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.

i say true as true can be... so don't fight it anymore... you'll only lose in vain.

John Webster said

Eagles commonly fly alone. They are crows, daws, and starlings that flock together.

be eagles, friends. be eagles.



but then... i thought we enter this world with our mothers.
why then do i feel so alone. so much so as though i had no mother?

is it my Choice?

today is the last day of preliminary exams. whew. it was and forever will be tough. Praise God who has been my Helper and my Teacher all this time. xD thank You, Lord!

but i'm not going to be talking about exam week. that's a bore.

i spent some time with a few schoolmates today - right after exams that is. and i'm really thankful for the three angels who let me join their happy triangle. kudos also to Grace who is an ever reliable support (she has assured me for such a long time now of welcome arms when i do not have anyone to spent time with). but unfortunately, i still do have my mind that is quirked up by any kind of aberrant figures in my life. and so there was. you see, i had a great time earlier. i didn't feel left out ( as i should considering that those girls have already bonded for quite some time now) at all. but then, as i left their company, i couldn't help but feel relief emanating from their auras. that atmosphere then got me thinking...

"was i intruding their time together? maybe i should have noticed it earlier...?"

when i'm away from home, i dislike doing nothing. i always have to be on the go. what i'm doing doesn't really matter, i just HAVE to do something - think, walk, do errands, and whatnot. i'd die if i would be idle for even a second. (at home is a totally different setting. i can bum around all i want and still have a reason to live.) and i have just so recently understood myself. i have to keep myself from thinking of my pathetic social life. whenever i get to think about it, i realize how oblivious i am to the world (although oblivion is not necessarily bad or good). i realize how i am isolated from the world because of who i am. (honestly though, from my point of view this is a good thing. isolation from the world keeps me from being attached to it and subsequently from being apart from God.) and i get depressed thinking that a normal girl is suppose to have a lot of friends... am i not normal?

but what keeps me from living a life without fear? a life without want?

i don't want to know love. (not yet at least.) i don't want to have a boyfriend. i don't want to even THINK of boys. because i want to keep myself pure.. xD that's what i tell myself; that's what my mind tells me. but sometimes, someone from somewhere makes me want to see he whom God has destined for me. i want to know that there indeed IS someone out there especially for me. a little encouragement to continue my endeavor (in a way).

all i want to say is:
i'm complicated. i don't want to be alone. i love being alone. i love suffering. i love waiting. i love God. but is there someone out there who loves the same things i love? is there someone out there - friend or partner - who can appreciate me? is there someone out there who i can share life and her stories with?

oh God... i hope and pray, Lord, that You clear my mind, heart, and soul. help me accept these things that i obviously cannot change. thank You, Lord. =)

if i were to be held by a man, he would be the man sent by God and God alone

realizations under the August sun

i had a lot of time to think yesterday and what a first in a very long time. and thankfully, i was able to resolve a troubling question that has been with me for a while now. actually, it isn't very new to me. i just thought of lowering it a little - my guard. and it is a good thing i didn't. i guess my state of being always in red alert mode is good for me. well, not always, just when meeting new people. and, as i realized it now, when staying with old acquaintances with whom i have previously had unfinished business.

thing is, i was wrong to think that i could stay and be friends with someone - with people - who are complete opposites of me. yes, they share some of my ideas, but those are not enough to connect the real me to them. i was wrong to think that i could and should fashion myself to their standards. ah, i was so wrong. i am who i am as i asked God to mold me. i should never ever look to others for appreciation. i should never ever tolerate people who appall me. never. i should never run after friends and much less relationships. i shouldn't even fancy them. i shouldn't be afraid of being alone during my last days. God is always with me and i should never fear.

another realization i had yesterday is that i am extremely good at keeping two faces - two personalities - secrets, and whatnot. it's easy for me. hah, and i think now that it is because i can share whatever i want with God who hears me and keeps my secrets well. i need not any mortal being who has to bend to society's rules and weaknesses.

and so i have a resolve that i pray God help me keep. may i never put down my guard against the mortals who have so easily attached themselves to this world. may i never ever look to this world for acceptance. may i never be made happy simply because of vanities brought about by boys, men, clothes, grades, and social status. may i always be happy and content with the things i have. may i never seek more or less than what i can do for both God and man. may i serve others always before myself and in a better manner. and with God's help, may i show to the world Jesus, as He would have been in our day today.

i don't have to share anything with the people who are of this world - words, actions, likes, dislikes.

累

我已經太累了

i just Want to be left alone

Can't you just leave me alone?

Love

do i have a Choice?

honestly... do i even have a choice? do i have a choice whether to say i'm okay or i'm not okay?


even if i were 10000000% not okay, i still have to BE okay. i can't put my guard down for a minute. i can't whine like a baby. i can't put my responsibilities on the shoulders of others...

and it's sad really. i like having tens and thousands of responsibilities. it is a very humbling and, at the same time, confidence-raising situation. but whenever i remember or think of the moments when i feel as if i had no support of any kind whatsoever, i die. and while i know that God is my omnipresent support in all troubles and whatnot, i still feel tired... physically. i am just human after all.

the bottom line is, i still don't know how to trust. why? it takes trust for one to rely on other people. i realized this much today. and it's sad because i'm killing myself by being afraid to trust others.

May God bless us all...



help me and keep me, O Lord. You are my only hope. You are my only refuge.
Grant me the strength to deliver and the resilience to change.
But most of all, my Lord, grant me the wisdom to know what i can do and what i cannot do.
Grant me the wisdom, O Lord, to know my limits.
thank You, blessed God and everlasting Lord, my Father...

Amen

five kinds of People

i just realize how i too can be discriminating... i was actually just thinking of a topic for today's post and suddenly i thought of this: five kinds of people.

i basically group acquaintances into 3 categories: the positive, the neutral, and the negative. the latter two are self-explanatory. the neutral, obviously, don't have a positive or negative impact on me. and the negative have... a negative impact. (duh?)

the positive category is, however, more detailed than that. that is, there are people who:
i like talking to,
i like seeing function, and
i like being with.

among the people who fit in the positive category, the people i like talking to are most common. the people i like seeing function come second. these people are not very good to talk to, neither very nice to be with, but, looking from a far, astound me. it's like they are beautiful sculptures from a far, but, upon seeing their most detailed features, crevices, and whatnot, appall me. and, lastly and most amusing is, so far in my life, i've only had ONE person xx xxx xxxxxxxx xxx i like being with...

hah! talk about choosy.

Sick

i am

gonna

die

early.

Smiles

i miss the simple life...