you Light up my heartlight

i'm not sure if the story i'm about to tell you has been published.
but either way, i'm not claiming it's my story.
achi crystal koo told us this story one day in high school.
it was a story made by her friend.
and today, i found myself reminiscing and so i shalt share this beautiful story.
=)
the story goes something like this:

The Heartlight
the heartlight people are not your ordinary humans...
they have heart lights.
they are like little bulbs on their chests... right where the heart is.
these heart lights are very expressive of the human's feelings.
when one human sees someone he/she likes, his/her heartlight lights up.
a very bright light means a very big love.
a small dim light means a slight love.
the heartlight people don't have problems expressing their feelings.
that's because their heartlight expresses everything for them.

if i had a heartlight...
it would be glowing right now.
although not quite so bright.
that's because i'm remembering Someone
Who makes me feel loved
right now.
(well, He always makes me feel loved =) )

and so here i am again.
praising God and loving Him.
because He gave me another chance to feel this way.
being love, or feeling that you are being loved is always very heart warming.
thank You so much, Lord, because You love me.
and! and! may graces and blessings shower upon the one You have destined to be there for me forever...
and may all those who love me be showered with love as well!

ho~!

Love... is a question mark

How can you say you love someone?
Honestly?

So anyway, I live my life.

I feel so tired. Unexplainable. I just want to drop dead right now. It's not a first so I think I'll manage. :P
School's been making me run around like crazy. Epistaxis. Yup, that's what I get from all the school work and information overload. Hah! Hope YOU get epistaxis too, after reading the word!

Nah, just kidding.


When I was walking home earlier today, I realized that I was happy because of the fact that I am single (and available?! Hah! We'll see. :P). It never occurred to me to FIND a boyfriend whatchamacallit. I feel so content and whatnot. And yes, I believe that it's because I've reassured myself that I rest in my God and that I am COMPLETE in Him. Besides, I've always prayed for my God-given soulmate. Let he be blessed and protected by God from now till the time we meet till the time we love till the time we die! Hah!

That's my life.

Friends, please pray for my health. I feel like my mortal body is giving in to its mortality.
Lord, please save me from my sin. Help me be pure in mind, body, and soul. Thank you for making me content in You. *big smile!*

suicide and an overloaded Me

“I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws.”- Psalm 119:7

Today is the last day of examinations. Today also is the last day of my life. Good-bye, world. *Takes a knife and cuts radial artery.* *Oh, wait. That's wasn't enough.* *Takes same knife and cuts carotid artery.* *That did the trick.*

:((

:'(

X.X

I just really want to die. Let everything end! Please! I can't take it anymore!

Ok, fine. Things are not all that bad. I still have blessings to thank You for. Just failing myself. The test. Blah. They're not enough to cry for. To die for. I know. I KNOW. But why...

I don't understand why this is happening. I mean, I've dedicated so much time to studying. I don't go out. I isolate myself. I study. BLOODY HELL. I hate all of this. I hate it.

I guess I'm not that gifted, huh?

Look here, Lara. The world's not all about getting good grades. Life isn't that shallow. God wants you to LIVE it, not just live through it. What you're going through right now... it's something you've brought yourself to. Life isn't not fair. You are just taking it the opposite way. I'm not telling you to take it easy. Heck, shower yourself with pressure. But you HAVE to remember and put to heart that God isn't praised by grades alone. Neither is He praised by how you get the grades. Neither is He praise when you fail. He is praised when you fall - when you fall and rise up using only His help.

*Lord, I know in this world, being 100% nice puts one in a very exploited state. and for some, being 100% nice is hard. But actually, for me, I love it. I love the feeling when I get to help people. Even if I do only trivial things for them. Even if they're forgotten the next second. And, God, I know how being lowly and loving is important to You. Holiness. Purity. And, God, I ask forgiveness of You. Because I know that I've disappointed You. In more ways than I can notice/remember/accept...*

God... please grant me peace today for I know that I am a sinner who cannot live without Your mercy. Your grace.

My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:

For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee.

Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase: So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine.

My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her. Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her. The LORD by wisdom hath founded the earth; by understanding hath he established the heavens. By his knowledge the depths are broken up, and the clouds drop down the dew. My son, let not them depart from thine eyes: keep sound wisdom and discretion: So shall they be life unto thy soul, and grace to thy neck. Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble. When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.

Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken. Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it. Say not unto thy neighbour, Go, and come again, and to morrow I will give; when thou hast it by thee. Devise not evil against thy neighbour, seeing he dwelleth securely by thee. Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm. Envy thou not the oppressor, and choose none of his ways. For the froward is abomination to the LORD: but his secret is with the righteous. The curse of the LORD is in the house of the wicked: but he blesseth the habitation of the just. Surely he scorneth the scorners: but he giveth grace unto the lowly. The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.

Proverbs 3

Death

I feel dead.

If God raised Jesus from the dead... do you think He'll raise me up too?

I feel like I'm walking an endless road. It's tiring. I hope it ends soon.

I feel like I'm living alone. Isolated from other people. But then, I also feel mocked and abused by all those other people that isolated themselves from me. Or that I isolated myself from.

I wonder what my God is telling me. I think I'm becoming deaf.

Dear world, please stop whatever it is your doing and start making sense.

July

Examination week is this week.
Welcome to the month of July.

Heads up, people.
I last left off when it was the day before enrollment. I come back now, when it's 3 days before our first major examination.
A lot of things have happened. And I mean A LOT.

I became president of the class. WOW! And I really do not know why. It's annoying but at the same time elating. I feel blessed and at the same time pressured. Why would God give me a responsibility like this? Does it mean that He knows I can do this? Or is He just testing me? To see if I can hang on to Him when the world is saying "you can do this on your own"? But everything aside, it is really humbling. A great deal. I can't do everything. That's what's humbling. I learn to delegate. Because I'd be dead by now if I didn't know how. ;) I learn to be patient. Because I'd have given up by now if I didn't know how. I learn to be selfless. Because I'd be ousted by now if I didn't know how. I learn to serve. Because I long had killed myself if I didn't know how.

But, then, my status upgrade isn't that elating as I thought it could be.

I broke down yesterday. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to feel. Maybe all the pressure got to me. Pressure from the class. Pressure from the title. Pressure from the responsibility. But most of all, pressure from me.
I couldn't do anything. Pathetic, I know. But all I could do was cry. And so I did. The tears just kept flowing down my cheeks. And God, how I prayed to You to tell me what was wrong. I was clueless. Desperate. Dying.

But I think I'm okay now. Could be better. But, hey, I'm not the president of a country. (Thank you, Lord!)

Take care, people. Don't follow my steps yet. I'm still stumbling. Please pray for me. I need to know how to watch my step. God, please bless me. :)