Smiling.

Sometimes, it's easier to smile and pretend everything's ok.

Sometimes, it's just so easier to smile.




Most of the time, it's easier to pretend and make-believe.

Lara: Grandmother @19

Lara's
gonna
be
a
GRANDMOTHER
soon!

And
she'll
have
lots
of


...


...


...





YeaaY!
:D

Mano Po

Today, I met 2 Ninongs (Godfathers) plus 3 friends of my parents. All in the OR. All in the second to the last day of my OR shift. Sigh, this makes me want it so much more! :)

To start the day was Skills Lab class. While waiting for my classroom to open, I met Mrs. Garcia. And she blessed me! Wee!! :D Gosh, no wonder I had such a wonderful day! So Ninang-ninangan na. :P

Next up, I met Dr. Joanna Ronquillo and Dr. Yvette Go, both anesthesiologist friends of my mother. And yes, they were kulit. Haha!

Then I met my Ninong, Dr. Alberto Paulino, II. Haha, now, this is a funny experience. Ninong was walking towards me and I waved and said, "Hi Ninong! Mano po. :D" Then he said, "Uy! Ikaw pala 'yan! Wala kang case?" "Wala po eh" with simultaneous blessing his hand. Here's the funny part! Apparently, some staff nurses heard me say "Mano po." And they said, "Hahaha, mano po daw o!" Haha! And they kept laughing. I don't really know why.

Anyway, next I met Dr. Christian Doctor. Another anesthesiologist friend of my mother. He was also kulit. Haha.

Last up, I met and made bless-bless Dr. David Bolong. Haha. He had a nephrolithotomy earlier today. He said "Ay, 'di kita namukhaan. Anong year ka na pala?" And a short small talk ensued.

Fun fun day. I love it! Why does this shift have to come to an end? Just when everything's starting to bloom so much! Sigh..

BTW, Sir Aldrin Basaysay. He is so kulit too! Haha. He made me divulge what I got from Ninong Dave for Christmas. LOL. Haha. It was for a good cause though. If I didn't, he wouldn't give me the suture packaging for Anna's preference cards. Haha!

Dear God, please bless all the staff and doctors of the USTH.
I love them all so much! :D
Thank you for the experience and opportunity you've blessed me with.
I love it and I will cherish it for as long as I live! :)

A Sunday Morning Dream

'Uy, may case ka na, sabi ni Ma’am. Scrub na!’

But I just got here! Gosh!

I enter the room with my hands up and grab a green gown. No one has their gowns on yet. Ma’am CI (It’s positively NOT Ma’am Manzarate.) is in the room with me now.

I put my gown on. I see my gloves - 6 ½. With my hand still inside my gown I grab the right glove by the cuff. I try to don my glove. What the? Disposables? I struggle.

Ma’am came near so I had to turn to the other side so she wouldn’t see that I was struggling. My right hand came out of the gown. I pulled on my sleeve using my left and ungowned or ungloved hand. I’m officially unsterile now.

I manage to get my right hand gloved. What the heck? Di pa ako nagscscrub ah! Gah! Then my left. With a little less struggling. Then, when I hold my hands high, I notice that my gloves have rips all over. I need a new pair. Sheesh.

My circulating student nurse looks like Alyssa Habaluyas, a classmate from Sec 1-10.
‘Alyssa, pakuha naman ako ng 6 ½. Alam mo naman saan diba?’
‘Uh… oo.’
‘Ok, pabilisan ah.’
Then she’s gone. She came back successful.

‘Pabuksan nalang yung paper.’
‘Ganyan lang.’
And I got the left glove.
And she grabbed the right without care of the word sterile.
‘WAH! What did you do?!’

Then I went to Ma’am CI.
‘Ma’am! Impossible po circulating ko. Pwede po pachange?’
‘No, you make that work.’
Okaay… Then I turn to Alyssa. She’s heartbroken. I think she heard me. And I follow her running to the instruments room.

‘Ok look. Look at me!’ I grab her face to make her look. I’m totally unsterile now.

‘It’s not you ok. Basta, we need to focus. Now, get those gloves. Ok good. Let’s go back na.’

Suddenly, there’s a hoard of people at the window of our OR suite. But I managed to get in. Inside I saw that the operation was mid-way already.

I wait anxiously for Alyssa to appear from the crowd. Nada. Oh! There she is! Hurry up, I plead. Nada. What’s taking her?!

Somehow, my patient is taken from the room and I’m still waiting for my gloves. The crowd disappears and so does Alyssa. Sam is beside me studying a book.
‘Ano nangyari sa pasyente ko?’
‘Huh? Di ko alam. Sorry.’

Oh my crap. What the heck just happened. I have to find that patient!
And I walk outside. Nada.

I remember something about the PACU being on the 2nd floor above the OR so I go up. And I see a familiar site of elevators and more elevators labeled out-patient and in-patient. I’ve seen this in another dream before. I didn’t know if I should enter it. I’m still wearing my green gown by the way.

A bunch of people come up the 2nd floor using the same escalator as I did. They chatter. And they enter the room labeled ‘Family and Friends.’ I get to peek inside and I see lots of ‘pan-to’s’ and just a few people. It was like they were ready to have party.

I turn to the right. That was the only way left to go. From a far, I see restaurants and a game center much like Timezone. I turn right again and I see huge escalators. As in 3-4 floor escalators.

And then I see Mimi standing behind the railings. BEHIND the railings of an escalator.

‘Anong ginagawa mo diyan? Baka mahulog ka!’
‘Ah hindi, wala. May inaabangan kasi ako.’
‘Sino?’
‘Uh basta.’
‘?’
‘Sige na nga lalabas na.’
And she got out.
‘Kasi ganito yun’ she blurted and grabbed my arm. We started walking towards the PACU.

‘Uy Mimi!’ It was a friend of hers, male, and a lot more following him, 4-5 I think. All male.

‘Nako, sila na nga yan.’

‘Ah kayo pala ah,’ I said, ‘kayo kasi eh kayo kasi [kaya nasa dangerous na lugar si Mimi kanina!]’ Simultaneously I spanked everyone’s shoulders. I think I sort of forgot that I still hadn’t taken my gown off. From my side vision, I notice another one of the boys coming up from the nearby escalator.
Then I turn towards him and said, ‘Sino pa ba di ko napapalo?’
No one replies.
‘Sige na nga ok na yan. Baka madoble pa.’
And I go back to Mimi.

Then I wake up.

Weird dream. Yet so vivid. :|
This is what I get for thinking about the OR so much. :|

Lara Loves the Operating Room

OH GOD. SHUCKS.

I'm so in love with the OR. 5 weeks go by in a flash. Literally. I wish I could convert all of my duty days into OR duty days. :|
"If I could have my duty at the OR forever, I'd be more than happy to make an NCA inclusive of 7 NCPs for every single case. Minor and major."

Photo by Lara Lim

I love green.
I love Kelly's.
I love Baktolin.
I love OR Suite 7.
I love the wash area.
I love getting the basin.
I love washing instruments.
I love Ochsner.
I love Balfour.
I love lapsheets.
I love 2\3's.
I love the staaaff!

Wah. I'm so going to miss the OR.

If I could only live and die in the OR... Oh God.

Shucks, separation anxiety is such a drag.

Black Hole

Behind the facade of smiles and good cheer, there is a hole.

I don't understand. Why do I long for another person to make me feel whole? Why do I not feel "whole" as I did before? I feel guilty that God's presence does not make me feel whole. But why? Is there something blocking my union with God? This is so annoying.

What's happening to me? :|

"I'm 19/F. Single. And not looking. Just waiting."

That's what I tell myself anyway. But lately, just the least of things makes me long for someone to share life with. For one, seeing my 2 best college buds together makes me feel happy. All my thoughts circle around one simple line: "It's good they've got each other. I pray theirs lasts forever." And then there are those times when people tease me. And like the good little daddy's girl I resign myself to be, I shy myself from the possibilities. "Women have the luxury of saying no." said one of my nurse mentors (Sir E. Juco). But I don't. No one's going to here a good hard NO from me anytime soon. I don't want to close any doors. They're all open. And I don't want to say yes either. It's not like I'm desperate for just anybody.

It's times like these when I've got a lot of time to myself that I feel lonely. Dear God, help me. :| Whenever I have time to think, I feel it. Oh, that hideous hideous emotion. Free time to me is a pain! Free time gives me time to think about things that I can't change. To think about things that don't matter. To think about things that annoy me to death! No wonder I drown myself in school work and activities. They're so much more simpler. I mean, what's research compared to introspection? Research has an end! There is an answer! Introspection?! Pfft! Answers are subjective.

This feeling... is killing me.

A Mom & Me Conversation
"Si Ken pala 21 lang eh."
"Huh? What's that? Who's Ken?"
"21 palang siya. Yung may-ari ng ********"
"Huh? And?"
"Bata palang."
"So?"
"Edi kayo nalang."
"Gah."

God, forgive me and my ugly ugly thoughts.. :| Sigh...

good, honorable, and Worthy

I stumbled upon this while googling an image for "leadership." And I just can't let it slide! If you have time, why not read this beautiful entry by Mr. Jim Martin in his webbie, A Place for the God-Hungry.

- Excerpt begins here -

Do you, as a leader, ever feel like you are alone in your race? Life is a lifelong marathon. The goal is not speed but endurance. We just want to finish and finish strong. Yet, it is awfully difficult to do this by yourself.

Leadership can be a very lonely role. Yet, sometimes, the issue may be more than loneliness. We may have jumped the gun and so we find ourselves running -- alone. While leadership involves the individual and his or her commitments, values, and passions, it is more than a task to be done alone. Leadership requires others. Leading is more than being aware of where others are in the process. It could be that you have jumped the gun, not realizing that others are not with you.

Leadership is more than telling people which way to go. It is more than announcing, persuading, or even preaching to them. Leadership involves working with people and bringing them along. Leadership is influencing people for something good, honorable, and worthy.

As leaders, we want to finish and finish strong. We lead because we believe the cause is great and the goal is worthy. However, we were never meant to run by ourselves. Life is tough -- at times leadership is extremely tough. How encouraging it is to know that you are not running alone.

And so ...
1. Leadership is not about being a "Lone Ranger." To lead is not to run the race by yourself while others watch.
2. Leadership is about working with people to move toward something that is good, honorable, and worthy.

- Excerpt ends here -

Take care, everyone~