another letter to God

Dear Lord,

What can I say? I feel like the most unblessed girl in this world in this moment.

I remember those times when I used to debate over which would be better: a small number of close friends or a big number of mere acquaintances. At times, one would be better... but at other times, the other could be preferred. But I do not have any complaints as to my current state. I'm just sad - and hurt - because I seem to have neither. Not that I have no friends... but rather that I have a lot. That is, according to my point of view. However... do I really? In my eyes, I have so many friends. But do these friends see me as one? Do they think of me as their friend? Or do they see me only as one who can be used, trampled on, and thrown away?

Maybe Jesus had these questions whirling in His Head too.

I see so many people having so much fun while I'm stuck in my own world. Not because of circumstance but rather because I choose to be. Not because I want to be but because I'm afraid to be otherwise. Because. Once again. I am correct. This world has proven me right. Once again. Once again, I am hurt by a person I care for.

And that's exactly what You feel. Isn't it?

:'(

But, God, if I don't continue in the path that I am on now, I'll just end up like them. I'd end up hurting the people I love. The people I care about. Right? All this time I keep to heart that it is better to be hurt than to hurt.

Lord? Honestly, no one really knows of my hurt. No one except You. And sometimes I feel like no one cares. It seems like no one does really. Especially during times like these when no one takes the time to listen... or read. No one consoles. No one understands or even attempts to.

They just want me to give and give and give... and it is my pleasure! Oh, how it is my pleasure! But I do get tired too.

Am I not allowed to be tired, Lord? Even if I'm human?

Lord God, I thank You so much because You don't leave me alone. You never leave me alone. I thank You so much because You care. Because You are my God. Because You are my Lord. Because You want me to be like You. Selfless. Kind. Humble. Loving. Gentle. Just. Patient. Giving. Listening. Helpful. Brave. More still, because You are never too busy for me despite Your handling the WHOLE world.

Thank You for helping me choose to be hurt rather than to hurt. To love than to hate.

Thank You because You are a ready shoulder to cry on, Lord. And saying I LOVE YOU to You never gets old. It never does.

I love You, Father. :] Thank You for the opportunity to say that. :]


Love always,
Lara

wish You'd give me an A+

good evening, friends. :)

i've just received my grades from school tonight... and, honestly speaking, they're below satisfactory. but. i am thankful to my Lord and God for giving me such a grade. 1.70. He has been very faithful to me even though i easily stray from the path He has set before me. thank You thank You thank You, Lord, for granting me such a grade. i know i can do better. and so i will aim for that better. and, no, not for the satisfaction of receiving a high grade. rather, i'd like to do better so that i can have the satisfaction that i was able to give God the best that i could give. :) and so, once again, i humbly ask for Your guidance and blessings, Lord. once again. i go to You. please guide me again this second semester. :)

i did get an F though. a big bad F. not from my friends or my teachers. but rather from my parents.
i don't know if it was because of the way i told them about my grade or if what they're saying really is just the way they'd say it no matter the circumstance... but they gave me an F for my performance. it wasn't good enough.
no matter how hard i try right now, i don't see the light of day. i only see how i really could have done better. i only see how i failed. how i slacked.

and yes. i could have done better. i did fail. i did slack.

but i thank God because His Hand has been there for me to guide me and to lift me from the abyss of my life.

nonetheless, i retain the longing for my parents to one day acknowledge me... that i've got something to be proud of... anything. even if its just diligence... or patience... anything at all...
somehow, right now, i don't feel like the best thing on earth... although not necessarily the dust on the ground. :D

but i'll be better :D

Thanks again, Lord. :) Love You.
Lara

bold and Confident

something about plain, bold-colored clothes has been revealed to me today. as i saw a lady wearing a freely flowing lime green silk gown taking the escalator to a higher floor, i saw how all her body's curves and assets were so easily seen - so easily flaunted. then it hit me: no wonder i don't prefer single toned shirts or dresses; they show every corner of one's body. whew. something i would never want to flaunt ( because one, i don't have anything to flaunt; and two, even if i did, it's not something to flaunt [in my opinion, of course]).

besides, boldly colored clothes only say one thing: look at me, i'm confident of myself and my body! woo~! haha! and yeah, you guessed it, i'm not.

bah, other matters are at hand. :D

so anyway:

i've still got that inferiority complex hanging around me. :O surprising? not. haha!

despite the fact that i fancy myself looking to God for acceptance and second-the-motions, i find myself looking for the okay signs of friends and acquaintances as well. though i do have opinions and ideas of my own, i still look for and consider other's inputs more than my own. while sometimes i think that its just normal (and, in fact, good) that i esteem the ideas of others better than mine, sometimes i feel i go overboard and esteem others (their being) OVERLY BETTER than me. 10000x better.

yeah, that, basically, is who i am.

but my mother says i'm a proud person. and i agree. so i wonder when the above stated circumstances occur when i am, in fact, a proud person.

woo~!

so that's Why

so that's why... so that's why you're not assertive.
because you learn to stop yourself whenever your 101% sure that you ARE right. because whenever you're 101% sure that you are right you are 101% wrong. THAT's what life has taught you. No. That's what GOD has taught you. You are never right. because You are a sorry entity. mortal. sinful. proud. blinded by pride.
that is the truth my friend. that is the truth.

so NEVER think yourself right ESPECIALLY when you THINK you ARE RIGHT. because, let me tell you, my friend, you are wrong. you always will be.